I'm Sorry Guys

I'm sorry I'm so depressing, I try to be happy but it's hard.

"I don't expect it to be easy, but then nothing ever is." ~ Rob Long

Yesterday hung out with my cousin. It was fun. We played catchphrase with two of my aunts and watched Knight and Day. I stayed overnight, we were at my grandma's house, but she had to go because the roads where suppose to be bad in the morning. It snowed, well its still snowing. I'm glad, I've missed the snow. Tomorrow I'm going to a friends house for New years so this is probably the last time this year I'll be writing. Hope you all have a Happy New Years.

Music.Shopping.Headaches

So last night I took a handful of painkillers, no harm intended. I expected to sleep it off but dad woke me up early so we could go into town for my brothers eye appointment. Well by the time I had gotten ready there was no time for breakfast, so I thought I could go without. The pills though made my stomach so shaky and my the time we got to town I had the worse headache. So I convinced dad to buy me some crackers because by this time I didn't feel like I could stomach anything else. I ate about eight Ritz and felt full and my stomach felt momentary better, unfortunately it did nothing for my head and I had to deal with that when my brother was getting his eyes checked. But after he was done at the eye doctor we went and ate, and I after eating real food I felt immediately better. Then dad took us to the mall and I wondered off on my own. I hate shopping alone, but with mom working two jobs and living in the middle of nowhere its usually my only my only option. Well I had started to feel a little light-headed again but ignored it and continued shopping. I went into Spencer's and Marilyn Manson was on so I know I would be hanging out in there for a while. Well I started looking at bellybutton rings and the sales assitance came over and asked if I needed in the jewelery case, I looked up said "no, not yet," then he asked "are you okay?" and I about passed out. So I learned that when you are feeling light headed never go into a store with strobe lights. Other then that today was good I got two CD's for under 12$, Nirvana - Nevermind and Stone Temple Pilots - Core. I didn't by anything else, I want to kind of save up my money.

Your not weak, your human and your fragile.

 @wj89- Thank you for your comment I really appreciated it. No ever since my mom picked up a second job our family doesn't spend much time together.

"Your not weak, your human and your fragile." I just told someone on PT this, and I wish I could believe the same thing about myself. I feel fat, hideous and unhappy. Actually lately when I've been alone I've always felt unhappy. I'm fine when I'm around other people but alone I feel...abandoned. I'll have to talk to my theripist about this next time I see him but that might be a while away.

Today I went to my Aunt's house where all my little cousins where spending the day. My 11 year old cousin took me out on his go kart that he got for Christmas. I'm usually scared of that type of thing but it was fun. When I spun his sister and my other young cousin around he asked if I could spin him. I asked If he had a girlfriend and he said yeah and "I said I don't pick up guys with girlfriends."  Then after lunch I mainly just hung out with my aunt, it's actually nice to talk to someone. It was actually a good day.

Hot Water

@Konrad, There is an 85% chance that we are moving to Arizona next Summer.

Speaking of the move I feel I should talk more about how I feel about it. Do I want to move? I feel as if I have no other option. We as a family have out grown this place but I was the first one to really get the small town blue. Moving to a bigger town seems so applealing: a new start, bigger school, and more people. But it seems so terrifying at the same time. I've lived in one place my whole life, and its been a place where everyone knows everyone and I never felt the need to impress anyone. But a new town, of course I'll want to impress people. Now don't tell me to just be myself because this small town has offered very few opportunities to let me figure out who I am. When people ask me simple questions about myself I could sit there for hours pondering the answer. I don't know who I am, I only have a loose idea of what I like, and my style is hindered by the fact that I can't get out of the house without feeling fat. I'm one of those people you could easily forget, if you even noticed me at all.

So Christmas Was Kind of a Failure on My Part

I had a good pretty good Christmas, mom slept all day, dad watched tv, my brothers just played video games and I was on the computer. I was fine with this until I realized this was probably our last Christmas here. So I got depressed then I realized how much I'd eaten the last two days and I purged. I've only purged about ten times before this and I don't plan on doing it again. I'm still recovering yesterday was just a bump in the road. A test of my commitment to get better.

Veselé Vánoce

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you all have amazing days and got something nice. I got an ipod touch but my itunes isn't a new enough version to reconize it, so I'll have to wait till I go to my mom's house to put music on it. What did you guys get?

Suicide Dream

So I'm a pretty big fan of NBA basketball and the Boston Celtics are one of my favorite teams, well last night I dreamed that one of there star player had died tragically. Then out of his grief another one of the star players committed suicide and then the third of the "big three" wasn't able to handle it so he shot himself. Also the guitarist of my favorite band in this dream was shot down in an attempted murder but he lived. Really I don't know why I'm having dreams or thoughts of death, everything is going well so why is my mind haunted by these dark demons.

Christmas Break Day 2

It's only my second day of Christmas break and I'm already board out of my mind! I seriously don't know what to do with myself. Tomorrow we are going to Grandma J's Christmas lunch and then to evening mass, and that won't be so bad. I actually like going to church despite the fact that I'm atheist. I think it's the hymns, and everyone singing them. It's the only place people aren't embarrassed to sing.
Today I spent most of my day online and running in place, and that got old rather quickly. I practiced my guitar until my fingers hurt. I did my hair and make-up even though I wasn't going anywhere and took pictures of myself. They are the typical teenage self-pics nothing special plus I edited the hell out of them.

Death

I wonder how death feels
I wonder what it is like to be completely pain free-
Not to worry about eating or fat -
Or cuts or bleeding.
No Judgment.
No God.
No Devil
To be alone -
but complete.
Violence, anger.
Crying, sadness.
Laughing, happiness.
All gone.
Finally being empty-
And never craving full.
Every noise, every distraction-
Never to be heard again.
Wouldn't it be nice-
If we could all be dead.

I'm working towards Recovery

Yeah what the title says. And wow is it hard, I mean I broke down and cried yesterday while eating a granola bar that was 120 calories and I didn't even have lunch. I know this is for the best but I hate it, I worry what the scale will say if I eat breakfast or that a snack will lead to a binge. But I need to do this, I'm not happy and the eating disorder wasn't exactly making me Mrs. Sunshine. Before I started restricting I could control my anger but now I snap or cry at the smallest things. My thyroid is at its all time low and my heart is skipping beats. My health is at risk. I need to do this but I'll still try to loose.

Just Wanted to Say...

Thank you for the comments. All of you.
It makes me happy to know someone actually reads my thoughs no matter how depressing or stupid they are. So again thank you.

Today, I did crap.

So today was awesome. I went into town to go wrap gifts for a FBLA benefit. Well all the members of FBLA signed up for three hour sifts. Well with me for my sift was; Keiran, Kayla, Sierra, Holly, Jay and Kelly. Jay is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet and I use to have a bit of a crush on him but thats not the point, basically I worked my sift with fun people (except Kelly I don't really like her but at least she is quiet.) Keiran wasn't even suppose to work that sift but his brother left him so he asked me to drop him off at the school on the way home. So I expected to be swamped the whole day but it really wasn't that busy, I think I only wrapped five gifts. That meant we spent most of the three hours just hanging out and swapping stories. It was nice. When my dad came to pick me up I explained Kieran's predicament to him and he agreed to drop Kieran off at the school. So I spent an extra half hour just talking to Kieran, and I mean just easy conversion talking. Really I hated when that car ride came to an end, I actually wished that it would be okay for a girl to walk a guy into somewhere because I really wanted to spend an extra few seconds with him. God what wrong with me? So them my dad and I still had another half hour to ride to get home, it was sort of awkward because he just dropped of the guy that I so obviously like. But then we came to this object lying in the middle of the road and we actually stopped the car and got out to see what it was. So me and my dad are standing outside in 21 degree weather in complete darkness to go examine what turns out to be a towel, haha. I wish I could have more days like this, I mean I felt great. My confidence was higher then its been in a long time too.

Quick

Haven't been updating much and this post will be a quick one. School is getting better, told Sierra that I may be moving to Arizona, 4 days binge free, gutair lessons going well, Brandon is single and hitting on me (I hate when he does this), and I have no Christmas shopping done and its only 17 days till Christmas.

Christmas Tragic

 I love Christmas, or at least I try too. I don't even actually like Christmas day I love the days leading up to it, putting up the tree, decorating, and baking cookies. We go shopping for the extended family and marvel at how mystic the city looks gently covered in snow. And the snow, going outside making snowmen, and ambushing my brothers with snowballs. I love this extra family time, the traditions. No matter how dysfunctional our family is, we always pull our act together for December. But this year, no one is trying. I put up the Christmas tree while my dad sat at the computer and played sudoku as my brothers played video games, and of course mom was at work. I actually basically started crying in the middle of putting up the tree. My family has given up on each other. We are all just separate people living in the same house waiting for our chance to escape. Well if they are done faking it for the world, I'm done faking it for them.

I Can Spell Arizona

Well this week my mom told me that she is considering moving us to Arizona this summer. This though actually gave me hope. Even though it's only a consideration, I can't wait to get out of here, except for Brandon. I told him and only him that my family was considering moving and started saying how much I mean to him and how I'm the only reason he hasn't dropped out of school, and he didn't want me to leave. By the end of our conversion I was in tears, I mean it was nice to know that at least someone cares about me. Seriously I think I would have killed myself this year if it weren't for Brandon, he is the only friend who hasn't hurt me. Yesterday he texted me out of nowhere and saying "I need to talk to you." and when I asked whats up he replied "Nothing I just missed you."  He knows everything about me, except for my ED mainly because I don't want him telling me constantly to eat. If I move to Arizona, I'll miss him probably defiantly more then I'll miss anyone else. I have nothing else to lose, I've lost the rest of my friends, my control, and my happiness. It's time to move on, this year is defiantly showing the time for endings, not beginnings.

Tomorrow Will be Another Day on the Hamster Wheel

Tomorrow is school. I hate school, and yet I hate being home with my parents. Both are hell. There is no escape, I'm an outcast at both. Everyday is the same thing, I know what is going to happen before it actually does. Everyday it is the same miserable experience that makes me wish I had a new life.

Excuse Me, But Where is The F'ing Snow?

 Its almost December shouldn't it be snowing? I want my snow! I look forward to this time of year so I can go outside and freeze half to death and the temperature is getting warmer. I hate mother nature. I've been solid binging for about a week now so obviously I'm not happy, so I've decided to complain about the weather. Wow I've officially lost it.

Not the Worst Thanksgiving Ever (But Certainly Not the Best)

Well first off let me tell you that my mom has been making my life a living hell the last few days. Ever since I faked sick the war has been on between her and I. So this morning when we were actually talking like human being, I felt relived. I watched the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade, which I do ever year, it is honestly my favorite part of this senseless holiday. Then we left her house to go to my dads, then we went to my grandma's. And when I heard that two of my aunts weren't coming this year I though there wasn't going to be that many people there but I was mistaken. My second cousins who are around my age were there, but I always hate hanging with them because they are so close and I feel like an outsider. Everyone had to remark on my half empty plate of food, which was terrible. And then there was the boring awkward after lunch conversions, and mom manged to tell everyone that I was hell on earth and everything I do wrong. It really upsets me...... But then after hanging with my second cousins awhile we went home. Mom wanted me to go Black Friday shopping with her and grandma but I need some alone time, which upsets mom because I always say how I want out of the house, maybe I should just start saying out of the family. Mom also caught me jogging in place tonight. Luckily she somehow managed not to make a big deal out of the fact that I was "burning calories." Today is also my brothers tenth birthday, he spent it parked in front of the wii. Haha he hasn't even moved to get a piece of his cake yet.  Actually no one in my family has.

God I hate my mom she needs to stay out of my fucking business. I want to cut so bad right now, but I can't because she took away my knife and my pills and my tape measure. She was just reading over my shoulder and saw the name of my blog. She made it out to be some kind of joke.She never considers that something that seems so stupid to her may be important to me.  She isn't trying to protect me, she is just trying to get me out of her house without me doing anything to bad so she doesn't look like a bad mother. My life sucks right now. School is hell and home is worse then hell. I feel like an outsider among my friends and I am an outsider to my family.

No New Messages

Sometimes seeing no messages on the screen on your phone is the most painful thing in the world. Seeing that no one cares where you are or what your doing. Sure I'm fine, for now, but everyday I get closer to falling apart. I just want someone to talk to me like I don't need fixed, like I'm a person not some incompleat being. People have given up on me because they can't except that this is who I am.

Faking sick, thats what I'm doing today. I'm spending most of my day napping and jogging in place. My mom went through my drawers and found my knife, diet pills and a tape measure. Now I have to go to cousoling. I don't need fixed, I just need someone who understands. I use to have that but she faded away.

I'll fast today, but I had hot chocolate.

Noise

I hate unnecessary noise. Right now my dad has the TV turned way up and refuses to turn it down.

This week I went to the doctor because my parents rediscovered my cutting. He asked how I had been, I lied. He asked last time I cut, I lied. He asked if I was eating enough, I lied. Basically I had to lie about everything and basically I don't think he believed me. He said that I needed to tell him what was going on so he could help me, but that's just the problem. I don't want help. I want to cut and starve. I want to handle my feelings the way I know how. I don't care if its unhealthy or unsafe, its my life and I really don't want to be living it anyway.

Facebook Message

Sierra messaged me on facebook tonight here is the convostaion
Sierra  November 15 at 4:33pm
What's going on? How are you? You're just not seeming like yourself... :/

Alexis  November 15 at 4:39pm

To be honest, I really don't feel like I matter to you guys anymore. I don't feel in the group. I actually have been begging my parents to considering transferring me because I can't deal with that school.

Sierra November 15 at 4:42pm

No Lex you do! Trust me, i just worried about you... You always seem upset and i don't know what to do so that puts me in a awkward position i want you to tell me what you want me to do...

Alexis November 15 at 4:44pm

Really I don't know what to do. I basically felt abandoned. I mean these last weeks I don't I've gone to school and not cried.

Sierra  November 15 at 4:51pm

I don't want you to feel that way. But i wish you would just tell me what's wrong and stuff you tell me nothing. Then it's like you don't trust me...

Alexis November 15 at 4:57pm

I stopped talking to you and really did stop trusting you to a point because every time I told you something it was like you didn't care, and I got paranoid that you were trying to freeze me out of the group like we did Holly.

Alexis  November 15 at 5:10pm

Really sometimes I'm just so stressed that I get really paranoid.

Sierra November 15 at 5:15pm

No. I do care it's just. Lex truthfully i have been trying to tell you this...I know your still cutting yourself... and it's unhealthy and i want to help you through that i just don't know how. I feel so uncomfortable because i don't know what to say or do because i don't know how you will react to it anymore. And it's also kind of about Richard...You're around him a lot and i sure you don't notice but i do i sure you don't mean to though...

Alexis November 15 at 5:36pm

The Richard thing is not on purpose. I thinks it is too mean and he doesn't even try to understand peoples situations, I feel like talking to Richard is sometimes like talking to a goat. I'm only around him to be around you and Kayla.

Sierra  November 15 at 5:41pm

Haha. Okay alright well i didn't think that was intentional, i just get really jealous, so... about the other thing... i don't know what to do

Alexis  November 15 at 5:42pm

Sorry I know you love him but that's just how I feel. And can I ask which teacher you told? About me cutting?

Sierra November 15 at 5:53pm

I know it's okay, i just understand him the way other people don't so it's okay i understand.

Alexis November 15 at 5:58pm

As for cutting I really am doing better until after parent teacher conferences because then I had do deal with my parents. And Dad just said the school called today and someone (I'm assuming you, correct me if I'm wrong) went to a teacher about it.

 

 

Haven't got a response to the last part yet but I hope everything will work out. I mean it sounds like she really does care, but she showed it in the strangest ways. Of course I'm really sensitive right now.

Physically Pain

@ gem: Thanks I'm fine now just a lot of stress in my life right now. As for schools I've talked to them about it and I think they see how unhappy I am at my school.

I binged today and it wasn't that much food but for some reason my stomach hasn't stopped hurting. Maybe I'm getting sick. It snowed today, I love the snow probably more then I love anything else. Tomorrow is Sunday, I hate Sundays. The whole day is spent preparing for Monday and no one likes Mondays.

I Thought I was Going To Die Last Night

Last night I was having horrible chest pains, and really thought it might be the end of me. This week I've lost too much weight, but of course it isn't enough, really have got much sleep and cried more then I've cried in a long time. If last night was the end of me I don't think I would have cared much.

I Need Out

Today in science Kayla said "Sierra I would cry so much if you move away" and then added in a less enthused voice "...oh and lex too." This is when I realized these two, no matter how much they may act like it, really don't care about me. I need out of my school because no one likes me here and I need a second chance. I'm going to talk to my parents about it either at Christmas break or towards the end of the school year. I can't even make it through school without wanting to call one of my parents to come and get me, I that miserable right now. And home is not any better. Eating is not on my mind right now, because huger pains don't even compare to what I'm feeling right now. Life is like running on a hamster wheel, I do the same basic things ever day. I need a change, for my sanity, for my life.

Thanks For Caring...

At parent teacher conferences my supernatant informed my dad that one of my friend's parents were concerned about me cutting and burning. My mom told me this morning that I would be going and talking to my doctor about this and that he could tell by my school pictures that I had started again. This lead to me crying, and after stopping and reapplying my make-up mom came in and said "I tried, but I can't make you stop." Which lead to me crying again. I told Kayla and Sierra this at school and got a kind of "well sucks too be you reaction" so that lead to me feeling like crap. And to top it off Keiran tells me he got a girl pregnant at his other school.  Last period of the day I was so done, not only with school but with life in general. Nothing is going right. I have no one to confide in and only Brandon really cares about me. I just want to die, because right now I'm just a joke.

I'm tired

I'm tired, really tired. I feel like if I go to sleep I'll die, that's how tired I am. Today was boring, my life is boring. I have so much to do this weekend, and no ambition. I have to:

1. Clean 
2. Do geometry homework
3. Practice guitar
4. Read a chapter in The Great Gatsby
5. Exercise 
6. And write a report

 I should be doing number 6 right now, but I'm so tired. I really hope my friends do find me to be a nuisance because in all reality I won't be able to survive without them.

Stress is my life.

148 lbs. Gross. Wth? Seriously, I know why I weight that, stress. Why am I stressed? My friends act like they don't even like me. I'm not sure if Keiran likes me and there is one of those dances where the girl has to ask the guy coming up. The last two days I've gone to school and cried and no one has noticed. I'm tired, I hate myself, and my life. This town and my school is going to kill me. I need to talk to someone and no one is here. Fuck I'm crying now....

Crushes are Scarier then Monsters

So Keiran, the guy I have a crush on, came back Tuesday. So he comes back and he acts like he owns the joint and I'm like this isn't going to fly, so later in science he kept trying to get my answers to the homework assignment. Well I wouldn't let him see it and he say "Lexi from last year would have let me see her's." and so I go "Well Lexi from last year died and went to hell and sold her soul to the devil" I think this is when he relized that I'm not the same person at all and he kind of likes this new person. But of course we fight like "an old married couple" as my friend put it and we argue in every single class. And really he is getting so much crap for liking me and I guess you can say he even admitted it, when someone asked if he liked me he said sure. I think our class is starting to hate us but our arguments make our day. Seriously we are flirting so hardcore that I'm surprised that none of our teachers have opened their mouths, but whatever this is the best I've felt since I went to the concert with him. He makes me feel like I have nothing to worry about like we together are untouchable. And it may be a bit stupid to think that but really right now I'm just so happy he is back I could really care less. Oh suppose to be a Halloween post too because we got to dress up in our costumes for school, but I got sidetracked.... (:

This is a Fricken Happy Post! :D

 Yeah thats right HAPPY! Like seriously rainbows, sunshine and all that shit. Okay so my crush from last year moved away  :( but he's coming back!! Like we went out a couple of times and if I wasn't worried about the distant I have a feeling we would have went out. So now I'm 14 pounds lighter then the last time he saw me and I have new motivation to lose more. Really I haven't been this happy, excited, and hopeful in forever. And he is a great guy, he'll stand up for me. I mean he's an ass but he's makes everyone so everyone forgives him. Really I know its stupid to get my hopes up when I haven't even seen him since the middle of summer, but I don't know....I can't help it.

Haircut

Okay I haven't updated in a while, because there is really nothing to update on, except I got a hair cut and I really like it. I went to the doctor and he didn't weigh me so I got to stay on my bipolar medicine. Halloween is next week and I still don't know what I'm doing. Yesterday I had a massive binge, but am still down 5 inches around my stomach since I last measured. Anyways my life is kind of boring right now, but I thought I should at least keep you all updated on how boring my life is. (:

Before I cut my hair

After haircut

Sunday Morning.

Sunday morning and I've already eaten; a piece of bread with peanut butter, oatmeal and a cup of diet-coco. Not eating the rest of the day for sure and adding an extra mile to my walk.

Escape.

I need to get out of my house, of this town. Seriously the thought of staying here another minute makes me want to bang my head against the wall. Every second I stay here I get more and more depressed and I began to feel more and more hopeless. I'm so alone even in a crowd. I love my friends to death but the truth is I can't relate with them, and I certainly can't relate to my family. And I know they love me but I think everyone has given up on trying to help me. I my friends have seen the cuts on my arms and so has my dad, but no one said anything. They all think I"m a lost cause. I need someone to talk to who will at least try to understand, someone I know I can't scare away. This is why I miss going to therapy, I want to go again but my family isn't in the best situation money wise and I think they will seriously start to hate me if they had to take me to town two days a week. I need to do something and I need to do it alone, I hate how every time I go to town my parents are always hovering over me.  My parents over shelter me, and I hate them for it. I feel like I can't breath. I need space I need to think, I need to get out of here.

Emotions are For Everyone, but I Wish They Weren't

Right now I'm feeling a mixture of so many emotions I don't know how to act, think, or how to even describe them. I hate how girls are suppose to be all "lets talk about our feelings" I can't do that. Sometimes I want to and then I realize I don't even know what the hell I'm feeling, how am I suppose to tell them then? If I was a guy if one of my friends ask me what is wrong and I could just say "Fuck it all" punch a wall, and then the next day we could laugh about it. But no I'm suppose to cry, and I do succeed at crying. I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I cry because I hate myself, I cry because I hate where I live, I cry because I should be grateful, I cry because someone woke me up early, I CRY OVER FUCKING EVERYTHING! Yet everyone thinks I'm fine, and if they don't they are choosing to ignore it. Last time I was asked how I was was Monday by a teacher, made me almost feel important for a moment, but I'm just a small speck in this huge world.

Can You Fake it for One More Show?

@Vampire Thank you, your comment really picked me up and yes all the photos I post are of me.

The last few days have been hell toned down. It's like if I went to hell for gluttony, my eternal suffering wouldn't be as bad as someone in hell for murder but still it would be suffering. So I made a huge mistake at homecoming and threw myself at some loser of a guy because of how upset I was that I didn't have a date, so now I have this guy thinking we are going out. And I just want him to go away, he is annoying and thinks he is better then everyone else. Right now I can avoid him but after Christmas he is transferring to my school, and I know by then I'll have to fix this but I keep hoping if I just ignore the whole situation it will go away. I wish I was mean so I could just tell him to fuck off, and not care about his feelings.

Also I've been in a binge crazy mode, and I have no idea why. Usually I have at least some control over myself but recently food has been my drug.  I don't know what it is about October that makes me want sweets, I wish I could get apples when I went trick or treating instead.

As off Sunday I'm no longer cut free, I don't know why I cut, all I know is I did and it was the deepest I ever have. I don't think I can be happy being happy, I mean when I'm depressed I feel better about life then when I'm happy, just shows how fucked up I am.

Hope you all have your lives a little more figured out then me.

School Pictures

School pictures were today, I'm sure mine looked horrible. I know I looked fat. Other then that school was boring, except science. In science we got to play with fire, I mean "experiment with melting points."

Guitar lessons are tonight, I'm scared. Didn't practice as much as I should have.

Oh btw someone came up to me today and said "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Cause your face is fucked up." Really I know I'm ugly I don't need to be reminded, there isn't much I can do about it.

Surprise!

Richard's party was fun, but it really didn't start out that way. Okay so Kayla had went over to Sierra's house this morning and just rode down with her to the party. No big deal, except Kayla totally thinks I have a thing for Richard (Sierra's boyfriend) and I wouldn't put it past her to say something to Sierra. Okay so I walk into the party and I'm all excited until I basically get blown off by both Sierra and Kayla, so feeling alone I text my best friend Brandon and he already having his own bad experiences with Kayla tells me to watch my back. Well I told him she is my friend, I don't think she try anything too bad. Well Kayla absolutely hates Brandon, so when I was in the middle of this text she looks at my phone, turns her back to me and starts whispering to Sierra. Okay by this point in time I'm as paranoid as fuck because I haven't even said two words to Sierra the whole party. I was so upset that my eyes actually started watering up. Lucky when I was just about to break down and cry in the middle of the party Sierra came up and talked to me, so I felt a little more at ease. But I was still stressed enough to binge on two slices of pizza, three brownies and a slice of cake. Things got better though we ditched the pool hall and went of an adventure to the old school house which I guess is supposedly haunted. It was fun pretending to be in a scary movie and acting like some crazed axe murder was chasing us. Kayla was the first to leave the party, this gave me time to talk to Sierra. I told her I was scared that she thought I was trying to put the moves on Richard, she told me if she ever thought that she would tell me. I also told her much of what Kayla said about me liking Richard had upset me, because I didn't want something like that to come between us. And then I reveled something I'd never had reveled to any of my friends before, I told her that right now my self esteem is at an all time low, that is almost as scary as reveling my eating disorder. But really I was so glad we talked. Shopping tomorrow, not looking forward to trying on clothes.

The Days Where My Sense Makes None

So today I was in a good mood, I mean why shouldn't I have been. Richard's surprise party is tomorrow and my mom is taking me shopping Sunday, plus my homework is done so I don't have to worry about that. But I bummed out today, then decided to count the amount of calories I've had today (I gave up calorie counting when school started so I could concentrate on my homework). 687 calories, and I immediately thought crap I'm going to go over 800 today, since I always eat dinner. I cooked dinner and I cooked hashbrowns one of my favorite foods ever, also one of the greasiest foods ever. Well I actually wasn't too upset about going over my limit, I mean I know I had at least burned off 300 calories, until I went outside. Every night on the weekend I go outside at night sit on our old swing and listen to music. It is the only time I can clear my head, think, and be truly happy. Well tonight I was out there and all of a sudden I though about how I have never learned to eat healthy. Before EDNOS I had BED, which made me realize if I ever recovered I would probably become overweight. This thought scared me and actually made me cry. I just want to know how to eat healthy because this binge restrict cycle obviously doesn't work.

On a lighter note, I've developed a major girl crush on Sasha Pivovarova

Exploring Scary Places

School today was actually really good, well until last period. See I have three really close friends: Kayla, Sierra, and Richard. Kayla is kind of the odd one out of the group, we like her but we aren't as close to her as we are to each other. Sierra is my best friend and Richard and her are dating, so I tell Sierra information I wouldn't tell anyone else and Richard hears a lot of this information too. Well today during last period all four of us were in the computer lab when Kayla suddenly goes

"Lexi I need to talk to you" so she comes over to me and asked "who do you like?"
I truthfully said "No one"
She then goes "Can I guess? Is he in our class"
"I Don't Like Anyone."
"Then why have you been flirting with some guy in our class?"
"Okay, who do you think I've been flirting with?" I thought she may have been talking about a certain guy who I flirt with just for fun.
"Richard."
"Are you serious?" Now I had no idea what to think, I mean I was basically just accused of trying to steal my best friends boyfriend.
"Yeah," she says like its no huge deal, "alot of people do."

This terrifies me, because at one point in time I did like Richard and Sierra and I's only fight was over him. What if someone goes up to her and says I've been putting the moves on her boyfriend, she'll have reason to believe them. And also what if all I'm viewed as is the loser who wants her best friend's boyfriend. Really I don't like him as anything more as a friend, but its high school so people will believe anything they want. Anyway if I did want him I would be in over my head. Sierra is on of the prettiest girls I've ever seen and all the guys like her, she has no trouble talking to anyone and is outgoing. I'm ugly, fat and timid. I lose. Some days I don't even know why I'm still alive. Really I think I'm only living because my parents need me and my friends might miss me. God knows I wouldn't miss myself though.

With My Feet On The Ceiling

So far not binging is going okay. I mean I haven't had a binge day but I have been eating more then I want to, and most of what I'm eating is crap. Days are getting shorting, and my mom seems to work harder. I'm trying to help out around the house more, but I sick of feeling like I'm the parent. To be honest I just want to concentrate on my weight, and I hate that school leaves me less time to do this. My life basically goes like this School Year= Stress, Busy, then there is Summer=Relaxing, BORING. There is no balance, no time of the year where I can truly look forward too. Plus during the school year my mom cooks dinner, then gets mad when I don't eat. I can't wait I'm in collage and just manage my own eating habits without anyone feeling the need to get involved.

Today is a Great Day For a Change.

Well today I decided I need to stop binging, not so I can lose more weight but for a greater reason. I have two younger brothers, the youngest is bordering on childhood obesity. He has been trying to lose weight and I don't want to give him the impression that it is okay to eat that much junk food in a short amount of time. At ten he doesn't understand that maybe my eating habits are different then most peoples, he just sees me as his sister eating.

Also today was good. I ran for the first time since the beginning of school. I forgot home much I loved running. Especially when I'm going faster and longer then I ever could have last year. Guitar lessons tomorrow, hope I got everything down I need to.

Somedays I Smile, Somedays I Cry

Today was bad. I hate how I can't feel hunger anymore and how when I eat I can never feel full. It's like my stomach is just numb. Hoping I can avoid my parents tonight and skip dinner.

No More Average, Just Invisible.

Don't you hate how one little event can ruin your whole daily plan? So usually I skip breakfast and lunch, then eat as little as possible at dinner. Why do I do this? Because it's the only meal my parents are home for, therefore it is the only time they make sure I'm eating "properly." I expected today to be the same, but my dad is a farmer so his schedule is as flexible as they come. This allowed him to come home and cook us hamburgers, I can't remember the last time I ate a hamburger but I'm sure I regretted it and hated myself forever afterwords. Well I wasn't going to let my plan be ruined that easily, so I waited till my dad went back outside and feed the hamburger to my dogs. So I got out of day eating  697 calories, not bad but not good either. In fact that's too many. But enough about food and self-pity, I also practiced my guitar today. I think I finally have the rift down that my teacher wanted me to learn, but I still have a lot of work before I perfect my chords. The thing about the guitar is that I only practice it alone. Recently everything I've been doing, I've either been doing alone or wanted to be doing alone. I'm isolating myself and that kind of scares me. I never text my friends or talk to them outside of school, I hate when my parents get home, and the sounds of my brothers voices sometimes make me want to punch something. I use to get so depressed when I couldn't talk to anyone, now everyone is giving me opportunities and I just want to be alone. Maybe I'm just trying to find myself, maybe I'm sick of being defined by the people around me. To be honest I don't know who I am, or what I want. I just want to be left alone and figure myself out. Oh and to stop being bugged about my weight loss, that would be nice too.

So This is That Awkward Intro Everyone Has to Make

Well I'm Lexi. I'm 15, but have been told I act both younger and older then that, so my age really shouldn't matter. Really half the time I can't remember what age I am anyway. As a teenage girl I am under constant pressure to fit this stereotype, of young, peppy, overly happy, and of course skinny. But being the person I am I really only care to be skinny, fuck peppy and overly happy. Fat is my greatest fear, I was a fat baby, a fat child and a fat pre-teen. I do not want to be a fat teenager, and this fear of fat and hate of my body has lead me into a life of what some would call EDNOS, or eating disorder not otherwise specified. But I don't want this blog to just be about my eating disorder, I want it to be about my life, but seeing how much of my life is controlled by my eating disorder it seems unfair to not mention it. Really though, there is more to my life then my eating disorder. I love music especially rock, Nirvana is my favorite band ever and I am obsessed with Kurt Cobain. I'm learning to play the guitar and it on of the few things I really enjoy. Photography is my passion, my dream job is to be a photographer. Well thats about it for now I'm sure as you read my blog, I will revel more about myself.
Lots of Love
Lexi.