Tomorrow Will be Another Day on the Hamster Wheel

Tomorrow is school. I hate school, and yet I hate being home with my parents. Both are hell. There is no escape, I'm an outcast at both. Everyday is the same thing, I know what is going to happen before it actually does. Everyday it is the same miserable experience that makes me wish I had a new life.

Excuse Me, But Where is The F'ing Snow?

 Its almost December shouldn't it be snowing? I want my snow! I look forward to this time of year so I can go outside and freeze half to death and the temperature is getting warmer. I hate mother nature. I've been solid binging for about a week now so obviously I'm not happy, so I've decided to complain about the weather. Wow I've officially lost it.

Not the Worst Thanksgiving Ever (But Certainly Not the Best)

Well first off let me tell you that my mom has been making my life a living hell the last few days. Ever since I faked sick the war has been on between her and I. So this morning when we were actually talking like human being, I felt relived. I watched the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade, which I do ever year, it is honestly my favorite part of this senseless holiday. Then we left her house to go to my dads, then we went to my grandma's. And when I heard that two of my aunts weren't coming this year I though there wasn't going to be that many people there but I was mistaken. My second cousins who are around my age were there, but I always hate hanging with them because they are so close and I feel like an outsider. Everyone had to remark on my half empty plate of food, which was terrible. And then there was the boring awkward after lunch conversions, and mom manged to tell everyone that I was hell on earth and everything I do wrong. It really upsets me...... But then after hanging with my second cousins awhile we went home. Mom wanted me to go Black Friday shopping with her and grandma but I need some alone time, which upsets mom because I always say how I want out of the house, maybe I should just start saying out of the family. Mom also caught me jogging in place tonight. Luckily she somehow managed not to make a big deal out of the fact that I was "burning calories." Today is also my brothers tenth birthday, he spent it parked in front of the wii. Haha he hasn't even moved to get a piece of his cake yet.  Actually no one in my family has.

God I hate my mom she needs to stay out of my fucking business. I want to cut so bad right now, but I can't because she took away my knife and my pills and my tape measure. She was just reading over my shoulder and saw the name of my blog. She made it out to be some kind of joke.She never considers that something that seems so stupid to her may be important to me.  She isn't trying to protect me, she is just trying to get me out of her house without me doing anything to bad so she doesn't look like a bad mother. My life sucks right now. School is hell and home is worse then hell. I feel like an outsider among my friends and I am an outsider to my family.

No New Messages

Sometimes seeing no messages on the screen on your phone is the most painful thing in the world. Seeing that no one cares where you are or what your doing. Sure I'm fine, for now, but everyday I get closer to falling apart. I just want someone to talk to me like I don't need fixed, like I'm a person not some incompleat being. People have given up on me because they can't except that this is who I am.

Faking sick, thats what I'm doing today. I'm spending most of my day napping and jogging in place. My mom went through my drawers and found my knife, diet pills and a tape measure. Now I have to go to cousoling. I don't need fixed, I just need someone who understands. I use to have that but she faded away.

I'll fast today, but I had hot chocolate.

Noise

I hate unnecessary noise. Right now my dad has the TV turned way up and refuses to turn it down.

This week I went to the doctor because my parents rediscovered my cutting. He asked how I had been, I lied. He asked last time I cut, I lied. He asked if I was eating enough, I lied. Basically I had to lie about everything and basically I don't think he believed me. He said that I needed to tell him what was going on so he could help me, but that's just the problem. I don't want help. I want to cut and starve. I want to handle my feelings the way I know how. I don't care if its unhealthy or unsafe, its my life and I really don't want to be living it anyway.

Facebook Message

Sierra messaged me on facebook tonight here is the convostaion
Sierra  November 15 at 4:33pm
What's going on? How are you? You're just not seeming like yourself... :/

Alexis  November 15 at 4:39pm

To be honest, I really don't feel like I matter to you guys anymore. I don't feel in the group. I actually have been begging my parents to considering transferring me because I can't deal with that school.

Sierra November 15 at 4:42pm

No Lex you do! Trust me, i just worried about you... You always seem upset and i don't know what to do so that puts me in a awkward position i want you to tell me what you want me to do...

Alexis November 15 at 4:44pm

Really I don't know what to do. I basically felt abandoned. I mean these last weeks I don't I've gone to school and not cried.

Sierra  November 15 at 4:51pm

I don't want you to feel that way. But i wish you would just tell me what's wrong and stuff you tell me nothing. Then it's like you don't trust me...

Alexis November 15 at 4:57pm

I stopped talking to you and really did stop trusting you to a point because every time I told you something it was like you didn't care, and I got paranoid that you were trying to freeze me out of the group like we did Holly.

Alexis  November 15 at 5:10pm

Really sometimes I'm just so stressed that I get really paranoid.

Sierra November 15 at 5:15pm

No. I do care it's just. Lex truthfully i have been trying to tell you this...I know your still cutting yourself... and it's unhealthy and i want to help you through that i just don't know how. I feel so uncomfortable because i don't know what to say or do because i don't know how you will react to it anymore. And it's also kind of about Richard...You're around him a lot and i sure you don't notice but i do i sure you don't mean to though...

Alexis November 15 at 5:36pm

The Richard thing is not on purpose. I thinks it is too mean and he doesn't even try to understand peoples situations, I feel like talking to Richard is sometimes like talking to a goat. I'm only around him to be around you and Kayla.

Sierra  November 15 at 5:41pm

Haha. Okay alright well i didn't think that was intentional, i just get really jealous, so... about the other thing... i don't know what to do

Alexis  November 15 at 5:42pm

Sorry I know you love him but that's just how I feel. And can I ask which teacher you told? About me cutting?

Sierra November 15 at 5:53pm

I know it's okay, i just understand him the way other people don't so it's okay i understand.

Alexis November 15 at 5:58pm

As for cutting I really am doing better until after parent teacher conferences because then I had do deal with my parents. And Dad just said the school called today and someone (I'm assuming you, correct me if I'm wrong) went to a teacher about it.

 

 

Haven't got a response to the last part yet but I hope everything will work out. I mean it sounds like she really does care, but she showed it in the strangest ways. Of course I'm really sensitive right now.

Physically Pain

@ gem: Thanks I'm fine now just a lot of stress in my life right now. As for schools I've talked to them about it and I think they see how unhappy I am at my school.

I binged today and it wasn't that much food but for some reason my stomach hasn't stopped hurting. Maybe I'm getting sick. It snowed today, I love the snow probably more then I love anything else. Tomorrow is Sunday, I hate Sundays. The whole day is spent preparing for Monday and no one likes Mondays.

I Thought I was Going To Die Last Night

Last night I was having horrible chest pains, and really thought it might be the end of me. This week I've lost too much weight, but of course it isn't enough, really have got much sleep and cried more then I've cried in a long time. If last night was the end of me I don't think I would have cared much.

I Need Out

Today in science Kayla said "Sierra I would cry so much if you move away" and then added in a less enthused voice "...oh and lex too." This is when I realized these two, no matter how much they may act like it, really don't care about me. I need out of my school because no one likes me here and I need a second chance. I'm going to talk to my parents about it either at Christmas break or towards the end of the school year. I can't even make it through school without wanting to call one of my parents to come and get me, I that miserable right now. And home is not any better. Eating is not on my mind right now, because huger pains don't even compare to what I'm feeling right now. Life is like running on a hamster wheel, I do the same basic things ever day. I need a change, for my sanity, for my life.

Thanks For Caring...

At parent teacher conferences my supernatant informed my dad that one of my friend's parents were concerned about me cutting and burning. My mom told me this morning that I would be going and talking to my doctor about this and that he could tell by my school pictures that I had started again. This lead to me crying, and after stopping and reapplying my make-up mom came in and said "I tried, but I can't make you stop." Which lead to me crying again. I told Kayla and Sierra this at school and got a kind of "well sucks too be you reaction" so that lead to me feeling like crap. And to top it off Keiran tells me he got a girl pregnant at his other school.  Last period of the day I was so done, not only with school but with life in general. Nothing is going right. I have no one to confide in and only Brandon really cares about me. I just want to die, because right now I'm just a joke.

I'm tired

I'm tired, really tired. I feel like if I go to sleep I'll die, that's how tired I am. Today was boring, my life is boring. I have so much to do this weekend, and no ambition. I have to:

1. Clean 
2. Do geometry homework
3. Practice guitar
4. Read a chapter in The Great Gatsby
5. Exercise 
6. And write a report

 I should be doing number 6 right now, but I'm so tired. I really hope my friends do find me to be a nuisance because in all reality I won't be able to survive without them.

Stress is my life.

148 lbs. Gross. Wth? Seriously, I know why I weight that, stress. Why am I stressed? My friends act like they don't even like me. I'm not sure if Keiran likes me and there is one of those dances where the girl has to ask the guy coming up. The last two days I've gone to school and cried and no one has noticed. I'm tired, I hate myself, and my life. This town and my school is going to kill me. I need to talk to someone and no one is here. Fuck I'm crying now....