This is going to be my Year!

So far this year has royally sucked! I've been to IP, I've recovered then relapsed, started self harming again, and even ended up in the hospital about a few weeks back for a suicide attempt, but things are actually getting better now. I'm more social then I think I've ever been, my grades have improved and my relationship with my parents is mending. Plus my mom is taking me to New Orleans for my 16th birthday, I'm going to see Motley Crue in July and I'm probably going to take some collage class this summer. For the first time in a long time I'm glad I'm alive, glad I didn't die. I'm looking forward to things, not looking critically at myself.

The Butterfly Effect Can Work in Negative Ways

Last night someone decided it would be funny to hack into my facebook and activate a virus that caused my computer to crash when I logged on to my account. Little did this person know that I was logging on because facebook is the only way on the weekends I can talk to my boyfriend, and I was going to talk to my boyfriend because I was suicidal. Little did they know that the hilarious act of causing my computer to crash would cause me to snap, cause me to place my two hands around my neck and chock myself till I passed out. Little did they know that when I came to I would start cutting myself, then punching myself. Little did they know it too ever once of strange I had not to end my life last night.

If anyone read this I'm guess I'm writing this to tell you please don't be stupid. The world is a sensitive place, every insult we throw out, every mean prank we play we arewalking on thin ice in the middle of spring. I doubt this person wanted to be part of the reason I ended my life, they just wanted to have a good laugh, it was a joke gone to far. Those are dangerous things

What is Home?

Usually in the Summer we live with our dad, but I'm going to ask my mom if I can live with her this Summer. I use to think I got along better with my dad then I did with my mom but now its really equal, and I just hate living with either of them. I imagine everyday what it would be like to just go away, to live somewhere else with someone else. I know I couldn't live on my own, but I almost can't live with my parents. They'll yell at me for reasons that don't justify yelling. It makes me feel worthless, I am worthless.
I only speak to them when I need to, communicate through gestures if I can get away with it. I have come to the point where I am literally afraid to speak. This place scares me because it is seriously think no one would care if I died. It's hard not to act upon your suicidal intentions if you have no one to live for. I at least have one person who really supports me, someone I can tell anything. At least I have him, otherwise I have nothing.

.

I'm swamped with homework, and I leave for Vail Sunday.
My computer mouse barely works and I have to do a research paper outline.
I hate today.

I Broke Up With Him.

Not my boyfriend, but the guy I was baisically cheating on him with. The guy who talked me out of suicide twice, kept me cut free for 6 weeks, and was the only person I trusted compleatly. I love him, but I can't be with him for several reasons. I really don't know whats the point of living without him. I really hate myself for cheating on my boyfriend, but really nothing ever happened between us. We never even kissed, although I wish we could have. I'm a terrible person.

Prom was yesterday

Prom was fun
Prom was a chance to show my friends I do really care about them
Prom was a chance to give Keiran a second chance
Prom was a confidene lower
Prom is something I don't want to talk about
Prom is the last thng on my mind today.

Saving Myself

I hope someday, I will save myself.
I will be able to find a way past all the barriers and become free to a world unseen.
Someday I will find escape, but  tonight it doesn't seem possible.
For tonight the walls are closing in as I begin to scream

In the moment that you loes yourself, you wish that you were someone else.

I'm tired. My grades are bad. I almost have an F in Spanish. I really haven't eaten today, I'm just too stressed to eat. Prom is Saturday. I'm not excited for several reasons. I'm just tired.

Flo

There is a gone to soon page for her on facebook. I actually can't type I'm crying so hard. Everytime I talked to her I just wanted to make her life better, sweep her a way to a place of her dreams. I became so protective of her. I hope there is a heaven if only for this little girl.

I Hate Sundays, I Hate It Here.

Things have just been especially hard lately. We recently learned my grandpa has cancer and there is a good chance my mom may have cancer too. I'm extremely confused about a situation that I don't even feel comfortable writing about here. To top it all off, I'm thinking about suicide more seriously then I ever have before. This is a really scary time in my in my life. My family is on edge, I really hate it here and just want to escape. The fact is that I don't know if were moving anymore, that means I'm trapped. Trapped with people who I care about more then I care about them and that hurts, and each day its torture to face those people. I hate my school, I hate my home, I'm starting to hate my family. The emotion exhaustion I get from being around them is enough to make me think I'm going to die. I hate myself, because I'm weak. I can't face things, I hide. I push others away. Keiran: I've pushed him so far away. I cry everyday, I cry at school. No one sees, no one knows. I'm the master of hiding. The happy fake. I've only told two people that my mom may have cancer. For when you say those words, the idea becomes to real. I'm scared. I'm scared for her, I'm scared for me, I'm scared for us; as a family. Can we really stick together? Can we really support each other? These last few weeks I haven't seen it. I've seen me in my room; avoiding all contact, mom with her friends; pushing the thoughts from her mind, dad yelling in the kitchen; it strains us all, and my brothers in their childish worlds. We aren't together, we are in a house miles apart. I've always had hope, now I can't help but wonder why I have. Everything seems against me. I seem against me.

I Hate Me.

Why must you love me?
Why must you care?
Don't you realize your the only reason I haven't given up.
I hate myself, but you love me.
You make me love me.
But I hate me.
Your too good for me.
You don't know how pathetic I am.
Why didn't you leave when you still could have?
Your so willing to fight for me.
Conviced I'll make it through.
But what if I just give up hope?