I Can't Even Say His Name

(Note this can be read three ways, the regular font words tell in the most straight forward way whats going on right now, the italic words are more of how I feel, and together they tell the full story.)

He stopped talking to me, and I want to message him back but I'm trying not too.
I shouldn't even be talking to him
I keep telling myself he is controlling, he hurts me, he is trying to trap me.
I need to be free
Remember when he blamed me for everything, remember how bad I cut.
I know he causes pain
Its hard because he has been there for me, he listened when no one else would
I shouldn't have told him anything
I love him, I probably always will, losing him scares me.
I can't even say his name

Saving Myself

I hope someday, I will save myself.
I will be able to find a way past all the barriers and become free to a world unseen.
Someday I will find escape, but  tonight it doesn't seem possible.
For tonight the walls are closing in as I begin to scream

I Hate Sundays, I Hate It Here.

Things have just been especially hard lately. We recently learned my grandpa has cancer and there is a good chance my mom may have cancer too. I'm extremely confused about a situation that I don't even feel comfortable writing about here. To top it all off, I'm thinking about suicide more seriously then I ever have before. This is a really scary time in my in my life. My family is on edge, I really hate it here and just want to escape. The fact is that I don't know if were moving anymore, that means I'm trapped. Trapped with people who I care about more then I care about them and that hurts, and each day its torture to face those people. I hate my school, I hate my home, I'm starting to hate my family. The emotion exhaustion I get from being around them is enough to make me think I'm going to die. I hate myself, because I'm weak. I can't face things, I hide. I push others away. Keiran: I've pushed him so far away. I cry everyday, I cry at school. No one sees, no one knows. I'm the master of hiding. The happy fake. I've only told two people that my mom may have cancer. For when you say those words, the idea becomes to real. I'm scared. I'm scared for her, I'm scared for me, I'm scared for us; as a family. Can we really stick together? Can we really support each other? These last few weeks I haven't seen it. I've seen me in my room; avoiding all contact, mom with her friends; pushing the thoughts from her mind, dad yelling in the kitchen; it strains us all, and my brothers in their childish worlds. We aren't together, we are in a house miles apart. I've always had hope, now I can't help but wonder why I have. Everything seems against me. I seem against me.

I Hate Me.

Why must you love me?
Why must you care?
Don't you realize your the only reason I haven't given up.
I hate myself, but you love me.
You make me love me.
But I hate me.
Your too good for me.
You don't know how pathetic I am.
Why didn't you leave when you still could have?
Your so willing to fight for me.
Conviced I'll make it through.
But what if I just give up hope?