Thursday, December 30, 2010

I'm Sorry Guys

I'm sorry I'm so depressing, I try to be happy but it's hard.

"I don't expect it to be easy, but then nothing ever is." ~ Rob Long

Yesterday hung out with my cousin. It was fun. We played catchphrase with two of my aunts and watched Knight and Day. I stayed overnight, we were at my grandma's house, but she had to go because the roads where suppose to be bad in the morning. It snowed, well its still snowing. I'm glad, I've missed the snow. Tomorrow I'm going to a friends house for New years so this is probably the last time this year I'll be writing. Hope you all have a Happy New Years.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Music.Shopping.Headaches

So last night I took a handful of painkillers, no harm intended. I expected to sleep it off but dad woke me up early so we could go into town for my brothers eye appointment. Well by the time I had gotten ready there was no time for breakfast, so I thought I could go without. The pills though made my stomach so shaky and my the time we got to town I had the worse headache. So I convinced dad to buy me some crackers because by this time I didn't feel like I could stomach anything else. I ate about eight Ritz and felt full and my stomach felt momentary better, unfortunately it did nothing for my head and I had to deal with that when my brother was getting his eyes checked. But after he was done at the eye doctor we went and ate, and I after eating real food I felt immediately better. Then dad took us to the mall and I wondered off on my own. I hate shopping alone, but with mom working two jobs and living in the middle of nowhere its usually my only my only option. Well I had started to feel a little light-headed again but ignored it and continued shopping. I went into Spencer's and Marilyn Manson was on so I know I would be hanging out in there for a while. Well I started looking at bellybutton rings and the sales assitance came over and asked if I needed in the jewelery case, I looked up said "no, not yet," then he asked "are you okay?" and I about passed out. So I learned that when you are feeling light headed never go into a store with strobe lights. Other then that today was good I got two CD's for under 12$, Nirvana - Nevermind and Stone Temple Pilots - Core. I didn't by anything else, I want to kind of save up my money.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Your not weak, your human and your fragile.

 @wj89- Thank you for your comment I really appreciated it. No ever since my mom picked up a second job our family doesn't spend much time together.

"Your not weak, your human and your fragile." I just told someone on PT this, and I wish I could believe the same thing about myself. I feel fat, hideous and unhappy. Actually lately when I've been alone I've always felt unhappy. I'm fine when I'm around other people but alone I feel...abandoned. I'll have to talk to my theripist about this next time I see him but that might be a while away.

Today I went to my Aunt's house where all my little cousins where spending the day. My 11 year old cousin took me out on his go kart that he got for Christmas. I'm usually scared of that type of thing but it was fun. When I spun his sister and my other young cousin around he asked if I could spin him. I asked If he had a girlfriend and he said yeah and "I said I don't pick up guys with girlfriends."  Then after lunch I mainly just hung out with my aunt, it's actually nice to talk to someone. It was actually a good day.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Hot Water

@Konrad, There is an 85% chance that we are moving to Arizona next Summer.

Speaking of the move I feel I should talk more about how I feel about it. Do I want to move? I feel as if I have no other option. We as a family have out grown this place but I was the first one to really get the small town blue. Moving to a bigger town seems so applealing: a new start, bigger school, and more people. But it seems so terrifying at the same time. I've lived in one place my whole life, and its been a place where everyone knows everyone and I never felt the need to impress anyone. But a new town, of course I'll want to impress people. Now don't tell me to just be myself because this small town has offered very few opportunities to let me figure out who I am. When people ask me simple questions about myself I could sit there for hours pondering the answer. I don't know who I am, I only have a loose idea of what I like, and my style is hindered by the fact that I can't get out of the house without feeling fat. I'm one of those people you could easily forget, if you even noticed me at all.

So Christmas Was Kind of a Failure on My Part

I had a good pretty good Christmas, mom slept all day, dad watched tv, my brothers just played video games and I was on the computer. I was fine with this until I realized this was probably our last Christmas here. So I got depressed then I realized how much I'd eaten the last two days and I purged. I've only purged about ten times before this and I don't plan on doing it again. I'm still recovering yesterday was just a bump in the road. A test of my commitment to get better.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Veselé Vánoce

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you all have amazing days and got something nice. I got an ipod touch but my itunes isn't a new enough version to reconize it, so I'll have to wait till I go to my mom's house to put music on it. What did you guys get?

Friday, December 24, 2010

Suicide Dream

So I'm a pretty big fan of NBA basketball and the Boston Celtics are one of my favorite teams, well last night I dreamed that one of there star player had died tragically. Then out of his grief another one of the star players committed suicide and then the third of the "big three" wasn't able to handle it so he shot himself. Also the guitarist of my favorite band in this dream was shot down in an attempted murder but he lived. Really I don't know why I'm having dreams or thoughts of death, everything is going well so why is my mind haunted by these dark demons.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Break Day 2

It's only my second day of Christmas break and I'm already board out of my mind! I seriously don't know what to do with myself. Tomorrow we are going to Grandma J's Christmas lunch and then to evening mass, and that won't be so bad. I actually like going to church despite the fact that I'm atheist. I think it's the hymns, and everyone singing them. It's the only place people aren't embarrassed to sing.
Today I spent most of my day online and running in place, and that got old rather quickly. I practiced my guitar until my fingers hurt. I did my hair and make-up even though I wasn't going anywhere and took pictures of myself. They are the typical teenage self-pics nothing special plus I edited the hell out of them.


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Death

I wonder how death feels
I wonder what it is like to be completely pain free-
Not to worry about eating or fat -
Or cuts or bleeding.
No Judgment.
No God.
No Devil
To be alone -
but complete.
Violence, anger.
Crying, sadness.
Laughing, happiness.
All gone.
Finally being empty-
And never craving full.
Every noise, every distraction-
Never to be heard again.
Wouldn't it be nice-
If we could all be dead.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I'm working towards Recovery

Yeah what the title says. And wow is it hard, I mean I broke down and cried yesterday while eating a granola bar that was 120 calories and I didn't even have lunch. I know this is for the best but I hate it, I worry what the scale will say if I eat breakfast or that a snack will lead to a binge. But I need to do this, I'm not happy and the eating disorder wasn't exactly making me Mrs. Sunshine. Before I started restricting I could control my anger but now I snap or cry at the smallest things. My thyroid is at its all time low and my heart is skipping beats. My health is at risk. I need to do this but I'll still try to loose.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Just Wanted to Say...

Thank you for the comments. All of you.
It makes me happy to know someone actually reads my thoughs no matter how depressing or stupid they are. So again thank you.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Today, I did crap.

So today was awesome. I went into town to go wrap gifts for a FBLA benefit. Well all the members of FBLA signed up for three hour sifts. Well with me for my sift was; Keiran, Kayla, Sierra, Holly, Jay and Kelly. Jay is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet and I use to have a bit of a crush on him but thats not the point, basically I worked my sift with fun people (except Kelly I don't really like her but at least she is quiet.) Keiran wasn't even suppose to work that sift but his brother left him so he asked me to drop him off at the school on the way home. So I expected to be swamped the whole day but it really wasn't that busy, I think I only wrapped five gifts. That meant we spent most of the three hours just hanging out and swapping stories. It was nice. When my dad came to pick me up I explained Kieran's predicament to him and he agreed to drop Kieran off at the school. So I spent an extra half hour just talking to Kieran, and I mean just easy conversion talking. Really I hated when that car ride came to an end, I actually wished that it would be okay for a girl to walk a guy into somewhere because I really wanted to spend an extra few seconds with him. God what wrong with me? So them my dad and I still had another half hour to ride to get home, it was sort of awkward because he just dropped of the guy that I so obviously like. But then we came to this object lying in the middle of the road and we actually stopped the car and got out to see what it was. So me and my dad are standing outside in 21 degree weather in complete darkness to go examine what turns out to be a towel, haha. I wish I could have more days like this, I mean I felt great. My confidence was higher then its been in a long time too.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Quick

Haven't been updating much and this post will be a quick one. School is getting better, told Sierra that I may be moving to Arizona, 4 days binge free, gutair lessons going well, Brandon is single and hitting on me (I hate when he does this), and I have no Christmas shopping done and its only 17 days till Christmas.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Christmas Tragic

 I love Christmas, or at least I try too. I don't even actually like Christmas day I love the days leading up to it, putting up the tree, decorating, and baking cookies. We go shopping for the extended family and marvel at how mystic the city looks gently covered in snow. And the snow, going outside making snowmen, and ambushing my brothers with snowballs. I love this extra family time, the traditions. No matter how dysfunctional our family is, we always pull our act together for December. But this year, no one is trying. I put up the Christmas tree while my dad sat at the computer and played sudoku as my brothers played video games, and of course mom was at work. I actually basically started crying in the middle of putting up the tree. My family has given up on each other. We are all just separate people living in the same house waiting for our chance to escape. Well if they are done faking it for the world, I'm done faking it for them.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I Can Spell Arizona

Well this week my mom told me that she is considering moving us to Arizona this summer. This though actually gave me hope. Even though it's only a consideration, I can't wait to get out of here, except for Brandon. I told him and only him that my family was considering moving and started saying how much I mean to him and how I'm the only reason he hasn't dropped out of school, and he didn't want me to leave. By the end of our conversion I was in tears, I mean it was nice to know that at least someone cares about me. Seriously I think I would have killed myself this year if it weren't for Brandon, he is the only friend who hasn't hurt me. Yesterday he texted me out of nowhere and saying "I need to talk to you." and when I asked whats up he replied "Nothing I just missed you."  He knows everything about me, except for my ED mainly because I don't want him telling me constantly to eat. If I move to Arizona, I'll miss him probably defiantly more then I'll miss anyone else. I have nothing else to lose, I've lost the rest of my friends, my control, and my happiness. It's time to move on, this year is defiantly showing the time for endings, not beginnings.