Crushes are Scarier then Monsters

So Keiran, the guy I have a crush on, came back Tuesday. So he comes back and he acts like he owns the joint and I'm like this isn't going to fly, so later in science he kept trying to get my answers to the homework assignment. Well I wouldn't let him see it and he say "Lexi from last year would have let me see her's." and so I go "Well Lexi from last year died and went to hell and sold her soul to the devil" I think this is when he relized that I'm not the same person at all and he kind of likes this new person. But of course we fight like "an old married couple" as my friend put it and we argue in every single class. And really he is getting so much crap for liking me and I guess you can say he even admitted it, when someone asked if he liked me he said sure. I think our class is starting to hate us but our arguments make our day. Seriously we are flirting so hardcore that I'm surprised that none of our teachers have opened their mouths, but whatever this is the best I've felt since I went to the concert with him. He makes me feel like I have nothing to worry about like we together are untouchable. And it may be a bit stupid to think that but really right now I'm just so happy he is back I could really care less. Oh suppose to be a Halloween post too because we got to dress up in our costumes for school, but I got sidetracked.... (:

This is a Fricken Happy Post! :D

 Yeah thats right HAPPY! Like seriously rainbows, sunshine and all that shit. Okay so my crush from last year moved away  :( but he's coming back!! Like we went out a couple of times and if I wasn't worried about the distant I have a feeling we would have went out. So now I'm 14 pounds lighter then the last time he saw me and I have new motivation to lose more. Really I haven't been this happy, excited, and hopeful in forever. And he is a great guy, he'll stand up for me. I mean he's an ass but he's makes everyone so everyone forgives him. Really I know its stupid to get my hopes up when I haven't even seen him since the middle of summer, but I don't know....I can't help it.

Haircut

Okay I haven't updated in a while, because there is really nothing to update on, except I got a hair cut and I really like it. I went to the doctor and he didn't weigh me so I got to stay on my bipolar medicine. Halloween is next week and I still don't know what I'm doing. Yesterday I had a massive binge, but am still down 5 inches around my stomach since I last measured. Anyways my life is kind of boring right now, but I thought I should at least keep you all updated on how boring my life is. (:

Before I cut my hair

After haircut

Sunday Morning.

Sunday morning and I've already eaten; a piece of bread with peanut butter, oatmeal and a cup of diet-coco. Not eating the rest of the day for sure and adding an extra mile to my walk.

Escape.

I need to get out of my house, of this town. Seriously the thought of staying here another minute makes me want to bang my head against the wall. Every second I stay here I get more and more depressed and I began to feel more and more hopeless. I'm so alone even in a crowd. I love my friends to death but the truth is I can't relate with them, and I certainly can't relate to my family. And I know they love me but I think everyone has given up on trying to help me. I my friends have seen the cuts on my arms and so has my dad, but no one said anything. They all think I"m a lost cause. I need someone to talk to who will at least try to understand, someone I know I can't scare away. This is why I miss going to therapy, I want to go again but my family isn't in the best situation money wise and I think they will seriously start to hate me if they had to take me to town two days a week. I need to do something and I need to do it alone, I hate how every time I go to town my parents are always hovering over me.  My parents over shelter me, and I hate them for it. I feel like I can't breath. I need space I need to think, I need to get out of here.

Emotions are For Everyone, but I Wish They Weren't

Right now I'm feeling a mixture of so many emotions I don't know how to act, think, or how to even describe them. I hate how girls are suppose to be all "lets talk about our feelings" I can't do that. Sometimes I want to and then I realize I don't even know what the hell I'm feeling, how am I suppose to tell them then? If I was a guy if one of my friends ask me what is wrong and I could just say "Fuck it all" punch a wall, and then the next day we could laugh about it. But no I'm suppose to cry, and I do succeed at crying. I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I cry because I hate myself, I cry because I hate where I live, I cry because I should be grateful, I cry because someone woke me up early, I CRY OVER FUCKING EVERYTHING! Yet everyone thinks I'm fine, and if they don't they are choosing to ignore it. Last time I was asked how I was was Monday by a teacher, made me almost feel important for a moment, but I'm just a small speck in this huge world.

Can You Fake it for One More Show?

@Vampire Thank you, your comment really picked me up and yes all the photos I post are of me.

The last few days have been hell toned down. It's like if I went to hell for gluttony, my eternal suffering wouldn't be as bad as someone in hell for murder but still it would be suffering. So I made a huge mistake at homecoming and threw myself at some loser of a guy because of how upset I was that I didn't have a date, so now I have this guy thinking we are going out. And I just want him to go away, he is annoying and thinks he is better then everyone else. Right now I can avoid him but after Christmas he is transferring to my school, and I know by then I'll have to fix this but I keep hoping if I just ignore the whole situation it will go away. I wish I was mean so I could just tell him to fuck off, and not care about his feelings.

Also I've been in a binge crazy mode, and I have no idea why. Usually I have at least some control over myself but recently food has been my drug.  I don't know what it is about October that makes me want sweets, I wish I could get apples when I went trick or treating instead.

As off Sunday I'm no longer cut free, I don't know why I cut, all I know is I did and it was the deepest I ever have. I don't think I can be happy being happy, I mean when I'm depressed I feel better about life then when I'm happy, just shows how fucked up I am.

Hope you all have your lives a little more figured out then me.

School Pictures

School pictures were today, I'm sure mine looked horrible. I know I looked fat. Other then that school was boring, except science. In science we got to play with fire, I mean "experiment with melting points."

Guitar lessons are tonight, I'm scared. Didn't practice as much as I should have.

Oh btw someone came up to me today and said "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Cause your face is fucked up." Really I know I'm ugly I don't need to be reminded, there isn't much I can do about it.

Surprise!

Richard's party was fun, but it really didn't start out that way. Okay so Kayla had went over to Sierra's house this morning and just rode down with her to the party. No big deal, except Kayla totally thinks I have a thing for Richard (Sierra's boyfriend) and I wouldn't put it past her to say something to Sierra. Okay so I walk into the party and I'm all excited until I basically get blown off by both Sierra and Kayla, so feeling alone I text my best friend Brandon and he already having his own bad experiences with Kayla tells me to watch my back. Well I told him she is my friend, I don't think she try anything too bad. Well Kayla absolutely hates Brandon, so when I was in the middle of this text she looks at my phone, turns her back to me and starts whispering to Sierra. Okay by this point in time I'm as paranoid as fuck because I haven't even said two words to Sierra the whole party. I was so upset that my eyes actually started watering up. Lucky when I was just about to break down and cry in the middle of the party Sierra came up and talked to me, so I felt a little more at ease. But I was still stressed enough to binge on two slices of pizza, three brownies and a slice of cake. Things got better though we ditched the pool hall and went of an adventure to the old school house which I guess is supposedly haunted. It was fun pretending to be in a scary movie and acting like some crazed axe murder was chasing us. Kayla was the first to leave the party, this gave me time to talk to Sierra. I told her I was scared that she thought I was trying to put the moves on Richard, she told me if she ever thought that she would tell me. I also told her much of what Kayla said about me liking Richard had upset me, because I didn't want something like that to come between us. And then I reveled something I'd never had reveled to any of my friends before, I told her that right now my self esteem is at an all time low, that is almost as scary as reveling my eating disorder. But really I was so glad we talked. Shopping tomorrow, not looking forward to trying on clothes.

The Days Where My Sense Makes None

So today I was in a good mood, I mean why shouldn't I have been. Richard's surprise party is tomorrow and my mom is taking me shopping Sunday, plus my homework is done so I don't have to worry about that. But I bummed out today, then decided to count the amount of calories I've had today (I gave up calorie counting when school started so I could concentrate on my homework). 687 calories, and I immediately thought crap I'm going to go over 800 today, since I always eat dinner. I cooked dinner and I cooked hashbrowns one of my favorite foods ever, also one of the greasiest foods ever. Well I actually wasn't too upset about going over my limit, I mean I know I had at least burned off 300 calories, until I went outside. Every night on the weekend I go outside at night sit on our old swing and listen to music. It is the only time I can clear my head, think, and be truly happy. Well tonight I was out there and all of a sudden I though about how I have never learned to eat healthy. Before EDNOS I had BED, which made me realize if I ever recovered I would probably become overweight. This thought scared me and actually made me cry. I just want to know how to eat healthy because this binge restrict cycle obviously doesn't work.

On a lighter note, I've developed a major girl crush on Sasha Pivovarova

Exploring Scary Places

School today was actually really good, well until last period. See I have three really close friends: Kayla, Sierra, and Richard. Kayla is kind of the odd one out of the group, we like her but we aren't as close to her as we are to each other. Sierra is my best friend and Richard and her are dating, so I tell Sierra information I wouldn't tell anyone else and Richard hears a lot of this information too. Well today during last period all four of us were in the computer lab when Kayla suddenly goes

"Lexi I need to talk to you" so she comes over to me and asked "who do you like?"
I truthfully said "No one"
She then goes "Can I guess? Is he in our class"
"I Don't Like Anyone."
"Then why have you been flirting with some guy in our class?"
"Okay, who do you think I've been flirting with?" I thought she may have been talking about a certain guy who I flirt with just for fun.
"Richard."
"Are you serious?" Now I had no idea what to think, I mean I was basically just accused of trying to steal my best friends boyfriend.
"Yeah," she says like its no huge deal, "alot of people do."

This terrifies me, because at one point in time I did like Richard and Sierra and I's only fight was over him. What if someone goes up to her and says I've been putting the moves on her boyfriend, she'll have reason to believe them. And also what if all I'm viewed as is the loser who wants her best friend's boyfriend. Really I don't like him as anything more as a friend, but its high school so people will believe anything they want. Anyway if I did want him I would be in over my head. Sierra is on of the prettiest girls I've ever seen and all the guys like her, she has no trouble talking to anyone and is outgoing. I'm ugly, fat and timid. I lose. Some days I don't even know why I'm still alive. Really I think I'm only living because my parents need me and my friends might miss me. God knows I wouldn't miss myself though.

With My Feet On The Ceiling

So far not binging is going okay. I mean I haven't had a binge day but I have been eating more then I want to, and most of what I'm eating is crap. Days are getting shorting, and my mom seems to work harder. I'm trying to help out around the house more, but I sick of feeling like I'm the parent. To be honest I just want to concentrate on my weight, and I hate that school leaves me less time to do this. My life basically goes like this School Year= Stress, Busy, then there is Summer=Relaxing, BORING. There is no balance, no time of the year where I can truly look forward too. Plus during the school year my mom cooks dinner, then gets mad when I don't eat. I can't wait I'm in collage and just manage my own eating habits without anyone feeling the need to get involved.

Today is a Great Day For a Change.

Well today I decided I need to stop binging, not so I can lose more weight but for a greater reason. I have two younger brothers, the youngest is bordering on childhood obesity. He has been trying to lose weight and I don't want to give him the impression that it is okay to eat that much junk food in a short amount of time. At ten he doesn't understand that maybe my eating habits are different then most peoples, he just sees me as his sister eating.

Also today was good. I ran for the first time since the beginning of school. I forgot home much I loved running. Especially when I'm going faster and longer then I ever could have last year. Guitar lessons tomorrow, hope I got everything down I need to.

Somedays I Smile, Somedays I Cry

Today was bad. I hate how I can't feel hunger anymore and how when I eat I can never feel full. It's like my stomach is just numb. Hoping I can avoid my parents tonight and skip dinner.

No More Average, Just Invisible.

Don't you hate how one little event can ruin your whole daily plan? So usually I skip breakfast and lunch, then eat as little as possible at dinner. Why do I do this? Because it's the only meal my parents are home for, therefore it is the only time they make sure I'm eating "properly." I expected today to be the same, but my dad is a farmer so his schedule is as flexible as they come. This allowed him to come home and cook us hamburgers, I can't remember the last time I ate a hamburger but I'm sure I regretted it and hated myself forever afterwords. Well I wasn't going to let my plan be ruined that easily, so I waited till my dad went back outside and feed the hamburger to my dogs. So I got out of day eating  697 calories, not bad but not good either. In fact that's too many. But enough about food and self-pity, I also practiced my guitar today. I think I finally have the rift down that my teacher wanted me to learn, but I still have a lot of work before I perfect my chords. The thing about the guitar is that I only practice it alone. Recently everything I've been doing, I've either been doing alone or wanted to be doing alone. I'm isolating myself and that kind of scares me. I never text my friends or talk to them outside of school, I hate when my parents get home, and the sounds of my brothers voices sometimes make me want to punch something. I use to get so depressed when I couldn't talk to anyone, now everyone is giving me opportunities and I just want to be alone. Maybe I'm just trying to find myself, maybe I'm sick of being defined by the people around me. To be honest I don't know who I am, or what I want. I just want to be left alone and figure myself out. Oh and to stop being bugged about my weight loss, that would be nice too.

So This is That Awkward Intro Everyone Has to Make

Well I'm Lexi. I'm 15, but have been told I act both younger and older then that, so my age really shouldn't matter. Really half the time I can't remember what age I am anyway. As a teenage girl I am under constant pressure to fit this stereotype, of young, peppy, overly happy, and of course skinny. But being the person I am I really only care to be skinny, fuck peppy and overly happy. Fat is my greatest fear, I was a fat baby, a fat child and a fat pre-teen. I do not want to be a fat teenager, and this fear of fat and hate of my body has lead me into a life of what some would call EDNOS, or eating disorder not otherwise specified. But I don't want this blog to just be about my eating disorder, I want it to be about my life, but seeing how much of my life is controlled by my eating disorder it seems unfair to not mention it. Really though, there is more to my life then my eating disorder. I love music especially rock, Nirvana is my favorite band ever and I am obsessed with Kurt Cobain. I'm learning to play the guitar and it on of the few things I really enjoy. Photography is my passion, my dream job is to be a photographer. Well thats about it for now I'm sure as you read my blog, I will revel more about myself.
Lots of Love
Lexi.