May 11, 1995 - August 10, 2011

I Had A Scary Moment Today

So even though I was hungry and I had only  500 calories combined for breakfast and lunch, I was scared to eat a snack. Not just any snack, but a 90 calorie apple. I hate the fact that I think this much about food. I'm kept up at night worrying about what I'm going to eat tomorrow.
I'm refusing to relapse though, seriously going down that road would be so much harder then it is now. I'm going to keep pushing myself to develop healthy habits.

I'm Amazed I'm Still Eating.

I lowered my calorie limit by a hundred calories and switched to caloriecount.com so I could see my defict. That defict is so triggering to me. Its makes me want to not eat. I just keep staring at it. I'm still eating a healthy amount of calories, but I'm starting to think more about restricting again. Maybe I have more of a problem them I thought, but I'm still eating, so I can't be too be too sick.

So Just A Few Confessions

-I binged on the remains of my birthday cake, a large Dairy Queen ice cream cake. There was about half of it left, I only ate about half on that half then realized what I was doing. So now there is a melted ice cream cake in a garbage bag in my room, I have no idea how to get rib of it with out my dad seeing.

-I re-made a tumblr thinspo blog. In January I swore I would never look at thinspo again, let along run a blog of it. I deleted it all off my flash drive, but now I'm back comparing myself to girls I know are unhealthy skinny.

-I feel like an attention whore, because I'm really lacking attention and hating it. This is where is gets self-centered, no one has taken the time out of there day to have a meaningful conversation in days. Not my parents, none of my friends, not even some random stranger.

-The day before I went to the amusement park, I cried for the first time in a long time about how fat I am. I ended up punching myself in the stomach so hard I left a bruise.

No Plans

So yesterday I went to the amusment park with Kayla, and we ran into her ex boyfriend and his aunt. They ended up hanging out with us all day. It was still fun, I mean at least he is cool and pretty funny so it could have been worse. I ate too much at dinner though, I was trying to jusify it because I hadn't eaten all day and we walked alot, but I was full mid way through and I kept eating. I'm trying not to think about it.

Strange Family isn't Always a Bad Thing.

So yesterday I hung out with my cousins and we went to garage sales. We ended up buying three plastic crosses at a Church garage sale because the preacher gave a dollar to buy something. So we  wrote “You Just Got Saved” on them and throwing them into peoples open car windows. It was crazy haha. Then we somehow ended up at the Virgin Mary shrine and took a bunch of photos there.
After that we picked up our younger cousin, whose family is way to harsh on her, and took her bowling. Note: we all suck at bowling! I did end up winning one game, with the high score of 87. I ended up spending the night in town and we played Sardines, which is hide in go seek except one person hides and once you find them you hide with them. The whole day was great.
Elitches is in 3 days, I'm so excited to see Kayla! I really miss her. My weigh in is tomorrow, I was suppose to be down two pounds, I have a feeling I'm only going to be down one which is frusterating but I did eat like crap so I should just be glad I didn't gain.

It's my Birthday

I'm going shopping with my mom, not sure how excited I am about this. Oh well next week I actually get to go with my friends to the amusment park.

I'm Never Going To Talk To Him Again

I told him I couldn't
He is defriended
Deleted
Out.
I miss him
Things should have ended better
I can't regret the past.

Things realized tonight

• Parents aren't concerned about me cutting just how it reflects on them
• Parents are disappointed I'm not the perfect daughter who can wear short sleeves without people staring at my arms
• Being disrepectful is more of a concern to my parents then me cutting
• I'll never be 100% confortable with physical contact
• I only feel some what pretty with my hair done and full make-up
• I truely dislike my parents

The Sun Shines Through the Strom

Today was actually pleasent. I had the radio on and was dancing, most of the day. Kayla called we talked for a bit, she invited me to camp with her this weekend but I don't think I'll be able to because Monday is my birthday and I have previous arrangments with my cousin. I was having a great day until my dad came home and turned off the radio. Then mom didn't come out like she was suppose to, and dad and I got into a fight. This is the 3rd day in a row I've cut.

Today was actually one of the first good days I've had since Summer started.

I Can't Even Say His Name

(Note this can be read three ways, the regular font words tell in the most straight forward way whats going on right now, the italic words are more of how I feel, and together they tell the full story.)

He stopped talking to me, and I want to message him back but I'm trying not too.
I shouldn't even be talking to him
I keep telling myself he is controlling, he hurts me, he is trying to trap me.
I need to be free
Remember when he blamed me for everything, remember how bad I cut.
I know he causes pain
Its hard because he has been there for me, he listened when no one else would
I shouldn't have told him anything
I love him, I probably always will, losing him scares me.
I can't even say his name

Well I haven't posted in awhile

The end of school got busy and those last few weeks were filled with wonders and terrors. I crashed a car because I passed out. Then that same night (mothers day) my mom confronted me about cutting and took away my knife. So I went two weeks cut free, until last night, because I'm living at my dad's now and I'm unhappy at my dads. Oh I also broke up with Keiran, but I don't care about that anymore I'm okay. So back to my living situation because this is going to be a huge part of my summer, my basically said I could live with here this summer then told me no the last day of school. I'm in a house where I can kill myself and no one would notice until house later, and I'm suicidal to the point of having it planned out. Oh what made it worse was my mom prancing around the last time she would see me in weeks literally say she wouldn't miss us. The cutting has been worse, more and deeper then ever before. I'm craving it. I only cut two little marks down my arms last night and all I could think about was doing it more.

But wait I have good news, Kayla (who I previously said I hated) is totally awesome. And I'm taking her to both a concert and to the amusement park, turns out it was just Sierra(who I previously said I wanted to be my friend again), who is a manipulative little creep, making her act weird.

This is going to be my Year!

So far this year has royally sucked! I've been to IP, I've recovered then relapsed, started self harming again, and even ended up in the hospital about a few weeks back for a suicide attempt, but things are actually getting better now. I'm more social then I think I've ever been, my grades have improved and my relationship with my parents is mending. Plus my mom is taking me to New Orleans for my 16th birthday, I'm going to see Motley Crue in July and I'm probably going to take some collage class this summer. For the first time in a long time I'm glad I'm alive, glad I didn't die. I'm looking forward to things, not looking critically at myself.

The Butterfly Effect Can Work in Negative Ways

Last night someone decided it would be funny to hack into my facebook and activate a virus that caused my computer to crash when I logged on to my account. Little did this person know that I was logging on because facebook is the only way on the weekends I can talk to my boyfriend, and I was going to talk to my boyfriend because I was suicidal. Little did they know that the hilarious act of causing my computer to crash would cause me to snap, cause me to place my two hands around my neck and chock myself till I passed out. Little did they know that when I came to I would start cutting myself, then punching myself. Little did they know it too ever once of strange I had not to end my life last night.

If anyone read this I'm guess I'm writing this to tell you please don't be stupid. The world is a sensitive place, every insult we throw out, every mean prank we play we arewalking on thin ice in the middle of spring. I doubt this person wanted to be part of the reason I ended my life, they just wanted to have a good laugh, it was a joke gone to far. Those are dangerous things

What is Home?

Usually in the Summer we live with our dad, but I'm going to ask my mom if I can live with her this Summer. I use to think I got along better with my dad then I did with my mom but now its really equal, and I just hate living with either of them. I imagine everyday what it would be like to just go away, to live somewhere else with someone else. I know I couldn't live on my own, but I almost can't live with my parents. They'll yell at me for reasons that don't justify yelling. It makes me feel worthless, I am worthless.
I only speak to them when I need to, communicate through gestures if I can get away with it. I have come to the point where I am literally afraid to speak. This place scares me because it is seriously think no one would care if I died. It's hard not to act upon your suicidal intentions if you have no one to live for. I at least have one person who really supports me, someone I can tell anything. At least I have him, otherwise I have nothing.

.

I'm swamped with homework, and I leave for Vail Sunday.
My computer mouse barely works and I have to do a research paper outline.
I hate today.

I Broke Up With Him.

Not my boyfriend, but the guy I was baisically cheating on him with. The guy who talked me out of suicide twice, kept me cut free for 6 weeks, and was the only person I trusted compleatly. I love him, but I can't be with him for several reasons. I really don't know whats the point of living without him. I really hate myself for cheating on my boyfriend, but really nothing ever happened between us. We never even kissed, although I wish we could have. I'm a terrible person.

Prom was yesterday

Prom was fun
Prom was a chance to show my friends I do really care about them
Prom was a chance to give Keiran a second chance
Prom was a confidene lower
Prom is something I don't want to talk about
Prom is the last thng on my mind today.

Saving Myself

I hope someday, I will save myself.
I will be able to find a way past all the barriers and become free to a world unseen.
Someday I will find escape, but  tonight it doesn't seem possible.
For tonight the walls are closing in as I begin to scream

In the moment that you loes yourself, you wish that you were someone else.

I'm tired. My grades are bad. I almost have an F in Spanish. I really haven't eaten today, I'm just too stressed to eat. Prom is Saturday. I'm not excited for several reasons. I'm just tired.

Flo

There is a gone to soon page for her on facebook. I actually can't type I'm crying so hard. Everytime I talked to her I just wanted to make her life better, sweep her a way to a place of her dreams. I became so protective of her. I hope there is a heaven if only for this little girl.

I Hate Sundays, I Hate It Here.

Things have just been especially hard lately. We recently learned my grandpa has cancer and there is a good chance my mom may have cancer too. I'm extremely confused about a situation that I don't even feel comfortable writing about here. To top it all off, I'm thinking about suicide more seriously then I ever have before. This is a really scary time in my in my life. My family is on edge, I really hate it here and just want to escape. The fact is that I don't know if were moving anymore, that means I'm trapped. Trapped with people who I care about more then I care about them and that hurts, and each day its torture to face those people. I hate my school, I hate my home, I'm starting to hate my family. The emotion exhaustion I get from being around them is enough to make me think I'm going to die. I hate myself, because I'm weak. I can't face things, I hide. I push others away. Keiran: I've pushed him so far away. I cry everyday, I cry at school. No one sees, no one knows. I'm the master of hiding. The happy fake. I've only told two people that my mom may have cancer. For when you say those words, the idea becomes to real. I'm scared. I'm scared for her, I'm scared for me, I'm scared for us; as a family. Can we really stick together? Can we really support each other? These last few weeks I haven't seen it. I've seen me in my room; avoiding all contact, mom with her friends; pushing the thoughts from her mind, dad yelling in the kitchen; it strains us all, and my brothers in their childish worlds. We aren't together, we are in a house miles apart. I've always had hope, now I can't help but wonder why I have. Everything seems against me. I seem against me.

I Hate Me.

Why must you love me?
Why must you care?
Don't you realize your the only reason I haven't given up.
I hate myself, but you love me.
You make me love me.
But I hate me.
Your too good for me.
You don't know how pathetic I am.
Why didn't you leave when you still could have?
Your so willing to fight for me.
Conviced I'll make it through.
But what if I just give up hope?

I haven't updated in forever.

I hate my noes.

I think this photo is my favorite

Love my nails

You can see the scars/cuts on my legs.

  

I really like the feather in my hair, and this right now is my favorite necklace. 

Prom is next week, I hope my dress covers up my fresh cuts or mom will flip.

Ships Are Sinking All Around Me

I'm starting to realize; that next year I'll most likely be in Arizona, that my friends and I have nothing to talk about anymore, that things are going to change. It's scary as all hell realizing this. 

Cloud 9

Tonight I went to the districts basketball game, mom gave me a ride in but I had to find a way to get home. So I asked Keiran and he said he could probably talk Claudio, Richard's brother, into giving me a ride back. Well since Richard and Keiran live in the same house (long story) they were taking Sierra home too. Well after dropping her off, things just kept getting better. I mean Keiran and I were just snuggling in the back seat talking, and once we ran out of things to talk about, we just sat in silence. I mean it wasn't that weird awkward silence were you feel pressured to say something it was just this comfortable silence, that was easy to break but fine if we slipped back into it. Poor Richard looked back just as he kissed me, but I don't feel bad because him and Sierra have put me in that situation countless numbers of time. Then we got to my house he walked me to the door, gave me a goodnight kiss and left me to wonder how tasteful it is to have your boyfriend to kiss you in the back of a van with S&M by Rihanna playing.

Tick Tock, Your On the Clock

I really need to tell my dad that I don't want to take gutiar lessons anymore. I have like zero courage to do so...But I need to do it today.

Anyone in the Mood for Random Thoughts?

Billy Talent is going to be big, he reminds me of the Sex Pistols but not enough where I think he is just ripping them off. I plan on spending my entire 50$ itunes gift card asap.
Sex Ain't Love just came on and I shouted "I love this song." My dad is personally thinking he failed as a parent now.
I Fucking Love Shinedown! Need the CD!
Rob Zombie is hot! Like seriously.....I would...nevermind.
I don't want to do that stupid class thing today! Espescally since I have to work with Kayla. She pisses me off. Bitch. Oh well, I might get to see Keiran.
Shit my internet crashed.
I think I might get this dress for prom!

 

Go Green! haha
IDEK.

I Wish I had Friends

Or that I didn't care that I didn't

Shit Matters

I know it does.
But I don't care.
I've lost motivation.
My friends think I'm a bitch.
I just want to be alone.
But I want to be happy.
I try to be happy.
And I usually am okay during school.
But when I get home, I realized
How lonely I really am.
And how scared I am.
And how I just don't want to deal with this anymore.

I'm Just...

I'm just...
done
pissed
sad
angry
hurt
ugly
torn
scared
fine
numb
hopeless
ready
fat
worthless
suffering

But I'll say
I'm okay.

Tonight.

Tonight was great. Keiran gave me flowers and we barely let go of each other the whole night. Sad thing was he had to leave early. I took a bunch of photos before the dance (just of me) because I was so nervous and I had three cups of coffee so I was really hyper. So I'm just going to put them here.

I was experimenting with close ups.

These are the flowers Keiran gave me! (:

Valentine's Dance

The Dance is tonight, I'm actually nervous. Like the excited butterflies nervous. I need to repaint my nails and curl my hair. Most of my homework is already done. This is so strange. Kayla is taking me home so I don't have to worry about the awkward moment where we want to kiss goodnight, but my parents are right there. haha. At least that's good. Wow the more I think about it the more nervous I get. I need to stop thinking...

Ice Cream and Sublime

All I need is weed, and tonight would be complete.
Today was great. Hung out with Keiran, I was suppose to take pictures for yearbook but he stole my camera, so I could have fun. Tomorrow is the Valentine dance, I'm really excited. My outfit is adorable, I actually can look in the mirror and be happy wityh how I look in it. That is such an amazing step forwards.
I haven't gained anymore weight, I'm still at 113, but at least I'm not losing.

I Lost My Future

Yesterday mom was really crabby and making everyone around her as miserable as she was, well after making me cry three times, calling me worthless, and grounding me for nothing, she told me I have no collage savings. None. My dad spent it all. This caused me to go into a meltdown and I ended up crying in the laundry room for an hour. Already I have been confused about what I was going to do with my life after high school, but now I don't even what to think about it. Collage is expensive, and I'm to stupid to get a scholarship. Plus I don't even know what I would be going to collage for anyway. Basically last night I realized all of this, with that I'm done trying. If I'm going to have a crappy life anyway, why should I work hard now? I have so much I'd rather be doing. I'll most likely kill myself before the age of thirty anyway. School really isn't going to make a difference in my life. I'm done. My future is hopeless.

A Little Bit of Hope

I'm zero days cut free. I skipped a meal today. I had a mental breakdown last night about how fat I am. It's hard but I vow to get through it and today something made me happier then I've been in a long time.

We were sitting in health and Keiran asked me if I had any gum, I got it out but wouldn't let him have him have it so he was trying to grab it out of my hand. Sierra yelled "Keiran stop holding Lexi's hand" and he said "Oh what, now I can't hold her hand, well fine. Lexi wanna go out?" And of course I said yes, after making sure he was serious. He then said he was going to buy me the most over the top stuffed animal for me on Valentines day. I'm really content right now and I know him just asking me out won't make everything okay, but it makes things a little better.

I Hate My Friends

I seriously do, because they abounded me. They actually did. Sure they are here now, but they don't care about my problems or me. Really how can they feel like they are my friends when they don't even talk to me outside of school or know whats going on in my life outside of school? And they are so close it honestly tears me apart. That's how me and her use to be, but she doesn't call anymore because we have nothing to talk about. And she never comes over because I'm no fun. And she doesn't wait for me because she doesn't need me.
And I'm so jealous of the girl that she now calls her best friend, because I have to hear about their late night calls. And she tells her to text her anytime. And she calls her "her sister." And it makes me sick, and angry, and sad because it's hard to see some be there for someone else when they could be there for you.

More about Yesterday

Should have posted this yesterday, but I was really tired and didn't feel like writing. So I didn't sleep well last night and had to wake early to do my hair. Well the night before I started taking this new pill Cytomel, well after an hour of being up I started feeling really light headed and sick to my stomach. I went to go get a drink of water since I haven't drank anything all morning. Well I got to the kitchen and instantly felt like I was going to pass out so I sat down, then started feeling really hot and clamy at the same time. Then as quickly as it came it passed, really strange. But other then that, yesterday was amazing! I got second place in sports management in my distract which means I'm going to state! I'm really excited!

I'm just going to put these here

First photos out of the hospital, I had an FBLA event today, that is why I was dressed up.

Good News from the Hospital

They weighed me, and I weighed 111.0! That means I gained 3 pounds, so I am actually making process. yay! Also my doctor thinks he will be able to release me Wednesday. Mom already called the school and they are sending my homework for the days I'll be gone with my brothers so I'll actually be able to do something productive too.

I'm in IP right now.

Yeah ever since deciding to recover I haven't gained any weight and actually lost two pounds even though I'm eating regularly and not over exercising. So the doctors are really concerned, and decided I need to be under observation for a few days. Really all they are doing is running blood tests and making sure I am actually eating.It's more boring here then anything else, so I'm really glad my mom brought me my laptop. Anyway just kind of informing you guys.

School is Anti Motivation

Seriously I think if the most motivational speaker ever came to out school and gave a speech, afterwords I would just give him the figure and shake my head until he got that he could not make me give a fuck. My grades are shit, at least I think they are, I haven't cared enough to check. I'm not failing anything, thank my lucky stars but I'm certainly not passing with flying colors. Really I don't care about school and I know thats the typically teenage thing to say but right now I really don't care about anything, especially school. I want to stay home and just be alone. I have fun at school with people but I'm always so stressed there. My parents are now considering not moving to Arizona. If we don't go I don't know how long I'll survive here.

It's Scary, Just Scary

On prettythin tonight there has been two suicide post from members that are pretty active. Both of them were asking for help but still. There has been so many suicide post on there that it really scares me and I want to help but I feel so helpless. Plus most of the time I can't even read the actually post because it triggers me and I'm in too fragile of a state to be trigger. And right now I really have nothing to live for so prettythin is my life. I can't imagine losing a member. I feel so helpless and worthless in these situations because really really I am, we all are. We can say whatever we want but if someone is that unhappy, they aren't going to be reasoned with. I promised myself that if I did ever commit suicide I wouldn't post anything online about it because I wouldn't want people to worry. I don't think I'm suicidal now but yesterday I realized I wouldn't care if I died. I can't imagine my future anymore, that's scary. I don't care about anything anymore. I still get hurt, I still feel and I still love but in the end I don't care about myself.

There was School Today

But I didn't go. I have an ear infection, I'm 99.9% sure and I'm tired even though I slept last night thanks to Nyquil. I kind of feel bad because I could be at school now but I think I did just need a day of rest to feel better, and I slept most of the morning.

To the point

I'm tired haven't slept well for the last three days, also I think I have an ear infection.  It's snowing and I am really hope we don't have school tomorrow. Keiran wasn't at school the last two days either because he has been sick.

The caged birds song

Once upon a day there was a bird trapped in a cage

and it sang a lonely song filled with sorrow

It longed for the day where it could fly away,

and never look back in to it's past

Once upon a day a girl came and sat by the cage,

and listened to the birds sorrow filled song

She smiled with joy at the beautiful tune

and left hastily at it's departure

Abounded was the bird lonelier then ever,

And it longed to sing no more

Then one day, the song when away

as did the girls appreciation.

She came very rarely and never stayed long

for the bird was useless without it's song

The bird grew lonely and it grew weak

And it longed so dearly to stretch it's wings.

Then one day the bird sang again,

and the girl became ecstatic.

After all she loved the bird -

and didn't want to see it waste away

But the bird knew the ugly truth,

that couldn't be denied.

The love was fake could easily break

So the bird better be careful.

Then once upon a day

the girl opened the cage,

and the bird flew out the window-

And she stared out as the tears streamed down

for she had realized what she had done

and without the bird's song

she might as well be caged. 

I Still Read

 Thanks to Unbeautiful and Nikki you guys made me feel so much better tonight.
Today I read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower," it only took about two hours. I can honestly say I have never felt so triggered by a book. I cried a lot, I would read something in the book and cry then take a break and cry about how much I could relate to something in the book. I'm kind of an emotional mess right now, probably cause I haven't taken my bipolar medication for about a week now. Do you know what sucks most about recovering? When it's dinner time and you make yourself something small, and that calculator in your head kicks in and suddenly you realize that this small meal has more calories then you use to eat in a day. Then you start to cry and then you realize you aren't even hungry, but you have to eat! So you sit there eating and crying and wondering what happened to the person you use to be. That is the worst thing about recovery. I'm underweight my BMI is 16.2 and I still feel huge. This time last year I was overweight and wanted to lose ten pounds but still thought I was gorgeous. Well I don't see anything gorgeous when I look at myself now I see a monster, something I hate.

Why I Feel Worthless

There is a girl on PT complaining about how her teachers are concerned about her weight loss. This makes me feel so purposeless. I know my English teacher saw me skip lunch at least twice, so did my business teacher. I'm sure all of my teachers have seem the cuts on my arms and heard about me trying to commit suicide last year, but I've never gotten any sort of concern out of them. One of my friends told one of my teachers about me cutting and still nothing. The word just gets passed on to my parents because I'm their problem not my schools. I'm apparently not worth getting concerned about. People could give a shit less about what I do as long as I say I'm fine.
Also I try to talk to my "friends" but whenever I'm having issues they either get real uncomfortable and quite or just say "I love you" like that will fix my problem. But you know if I did that when they were having problems they would talk about what a bitch I am.
Then there is my parents. I really don't think they think I have any real problems. That everytime i get depressed I'm just "overreacting" or "doing it for attention. Either that or they think that I can't be helped and that they have wasted to much time trying to. Basically I have issues trusting people and really believing that they will be there for me when I need them, and then I see all these girls on PT complaining about their friends/parents/significant others being concerned about them, and it makes me want to die because I don't have that and I'm starting to think I never will.

So Prom Planning Begins

Keiran asked me to prm today. Not only did he ask me but one of my friends caught it on video. He wasn't going to ask me, the asshole he just assumed we were going, but I forgave him, quick quickly. My friends have started harrassing him about when he is going to ask me out because we call each other our life partners all the time now. But now I can actually be excited for prom. I want to go shopping now!

The Days That Make Everything Better

Today was amazing and exactly what I need after feeling so down this weekend. My friends and I started out the day just hysterically laughing in the hallway over nothing significant. Then Keiran always makes my day better. He said he would be my life partner and that I  had to call him everyday if I moved to Arizona and face chat him.  Really we have that type of relationship going on where I think he likes me and I like him and I think he knows that but we don't advance for fear that the other one doesn't have the same feelings. Everyone knows it, we flirt all the time, and I'm sure some people are like "Ahh how sweet," and others just find it sickening. But when I'm with him I feel comfortable. I'm really hoping he asks me to prom again. Last year we went but I didn't really think much of it because I didn't really like him like I do no.

My Dog is Dying

We were actually thinking she might die yesterday. We all have to sit here and watch her die, none of us have the heart to go shot her and put her out of her misery.  It's psychological torture. She is so thin, she won't eat, she is so cold. I just went out and said goodbye and couldn't stop crying. She was shaking, she didn't look like she had the strength to lift her head. I just wish I would have played with more and pet her more when I had a chance. She is such a sweet dog, she loved everyone, never hurt anything and thought she was smaller then she was. She took care of kittens and wanted to be a mother but she couldn't because we had her spayed. She had arthritis
 practically her whole life but always pushed through the hardest times. I seriously hope I'm wrong about faith because she deserves a better place.

My Mom Will be the Death of Me

I answer the phone and it's her on the other line, she asked what I was doing and as always I say nothing. Her exact quote, "Nothing, that doesn't sound very healthy, go do 40 laps around the house." Then I hand the phone to my dad and he gets mad because she was still speaking to me, I  seriously want out of this house. I'm so sick of everyone mocking me and my disorders. It really is no wonder I feel worthless and really just want to die.

So Far So Good

The New Year has been so busy and stressful but I can't think of a year in my life the wasn't, so besides for that things haven been going pretty well. I hate not having a study hall in the morning anymore, it means I actually have to do my homework. I actually hate school, more like I hate classes and working I like the social interaction. I like English though. Brandon is acting depressing and I feel bad because I'm not being the normal comforting Lexi I usually am but I've been in such a good mood lately I get kind of pissed when people bring me down. I've sort of realized that no matter what I will always see myself as ugly and fat, I though this realization would send me spiraling into depressing but it hasn't. Really it felt more like I had discovered a part of me that I had been missing for a long time. That's sad. So far my biggest self discovery is that I will always hate myself.

1/1/11

It's a New Year! Yesterday I thought my New Years plans might be ruined when I went out and saw a blizzard taking place, but I got to my friends house and we had a pretty good time. There where a few awkward moments (well at least for me there were) because I don't feel comfortable telling her anything personal anymore. I really lost my reason to trust people especially her. So my resolutions look basically like this.

1. Lose Weight
2. Save Money
3. Get a Boyfriend (yes that is a stupid resolution)
4. Get a Job
5. Help out more
6. Eat less (can't put that, recovery)
7. Exercise more
8. Find out about myself
9. Get my anger under control
10. Make Friends
11. Quite being antisocial
12. Keep my grades up. 
13. Practice guitar more
14. Find a style

Yeah so nothing to interesting, but I have a lot, hopefully I'll succeed in most. Take Care.