I Still Read

 Thanks to Unbeautiful and Nikki you guys made me feel so much better tonight.
Today I read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower," it only took about two hours. I can honestly say I have never felt so triggered by a book. I cried a lot, I would read something in the book and cry then take a break and cry about how much I could relate to something in the book. I'm kind of an emotional mess right now, probably cause I haven't taken my bipolar medication for about a week now. Do you know what sucks most about recovering? When it's dinner time and you make yourself something small, and that calculator in your head kicks in and suddenly you realize that this small meal has more calories then you use to eat in a day. Then you start to cry and then you realize you aren't even hungry, but you have to eat! So you sit there eating and crying and wondering what happened to the person you use to be. That is the worst thing about recovery. I'm underweight my BMI is 16.2 and I still feel huge. This time last year I was overweight and wanted to lose ten pounds but still thought I was gorgeous. Well I don't see anything gorgeous when I look at myself now I see a monster, something I hate.