Good News from the Hospital

They weighed me, and I weighed 111.0! That means I gained 3 pounds, so I am actually making process. yay! Also my doctor thinks he will be able to release me Wednesday. Mom already called the school and they are sending my homework for the days I'll be gone with my brothers so I'll actually be able to do something productive too.

I'm in IP right now.

Yeah ever since deciding to recover I haven't gained any weight and actually lost two pounds even though I'm eating regularly and not over exercising. So the doctors are really concerned, and decided I need to be under observation for a few days. Really all they are doing is running blood tests and making sure I am actually eating.It's more boring here then anything else, so I'm really glad my mom brought me my laptop. Anyway just kind of informing you guys.

School is Anti Motivation

Seriously I think if the most motivational speaker ever came to out school and gave a speech, afterwords I would just give him the figure and shake my head until he got that he could not make me give a fuck. My grades are shit, at least I think they are, I haven't cared enough to check. I'm not failing anything, thank my lucky stars but I'm certainly not passing with flying colors. Really I don't care about school and I know thats the typically teenage thing to say but right now I really don't care about anything, especially school. I want to stay home and just be alone. I have fun at school with people but I'm always so stressed there. My parents are now considering not moving to Arizona. If we don't go I don't know how long I'll survive here.

It's Scary, Just Scary

On prettythin tonight there has been two suicide post from members that are pretty active. Both of them were asking for help but still. There has been so many suicide post on there that it really scares me and I want to help but I feel so helpless. Plus most of the time I can't even read the actually post because it triggers me and I'm in too fragile of a state to be trigger. And right now I really have nothing to live for so prettythin is my life. I can't imagine losing a member. I feel so helpless and worthless in these situations because really really I am, we all are. We can say whatever we want but if someone is that unhappy, they aren't going to be reasoned with. I promised myself that if I did ever commit suicide I wouldn't post anything online about it because I wouldn't want people to worry. I don't think I'm suicidal now but yesterday I realized I wouldn't care if I died. I can't imagine my future anymore, that's scary. I don't care about anything anymore. I still get hurt, I still feel and I still love but in the end I don't care about myself.

There was School Today

But I didn't go. I have an ear infection, I'm 99.9% sure and I'm tired even though I slept last night thanks to Nyquil. I kind of feel bad because I could be at school now but I think I did just need a day of rest to feel better, and I slept most of the morning.

To the point

I'm tired haven't slept well for the last three days, also I think I have an ear infection.  It's snowing and I am really hope we don't have school tomorrow. Keiran wasn't at school the last two days either because he has been sick.

The caged birds song

Once upon a day there was a bird trapped in a cage

and it sang a lonely song filled with sorrow

It longed for the day where it could fly away,

and never look back in to it's past

Once upon a day a girl came and sat by the cage,

and listened to the birds sorrow filled song

She smiled with joy at the beautiful tune

and left hastily at it's departure

Abounded was the bird lonelier then ever,

And it longed to sing no more

Then one day, the song when away

as did the girls appreciation.

She came very rarely and never stayed long

for the bird was useless without it's song

The bird grew lonely and it grew weak

And it longed so dearly to stretch it's wings.

Then one day the bird sang again,

and the girl became ecstatic.

After all she loved the bird -

and didn't want to see it waste away

But the bird knew the ugly truth,

that couldn't be denied.

The love was fake could easily break

So the bird better be careful.

Then once upon a day

the girl opened the cage,

and the bird flew out the window-

And she stared out as the tears streamed down

for she had realized what she had done

and without the bird's song

she might as well be caged. 

I Still Read

 Thanks to Unbeautiful and Nikki you guys made me feel so much better tonight.
Today I read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower," it only took about two hours. I can honestly say I have never felt so triggered by a book. I cried a lot, I would read something in the book and cry then take a break and cry about how much I could relate to something in the book. I'm kind of an emotional mess right now, probably cause I haven't taken my bipolar medication for about a week now. Do you know what sucks most about recovering? When it's dinner time and you make yourself something small, and that calculator in your head kicks in and suddenly you realize that this small meal has more calories then you use to eat in a day. Then you start to cry and then you realize you aren't even hungry, but you have to eat! So you sit there eating and crying and wondering what happened to the person you use to be. That is the worst thing about recovery. I'm underweight my BMI is 16.2 and I still feel huge. This time last year I was overweight and wanted to lose ten pounds but still thought I was gorgeous. Well I don't see anything gorgeous when I look at myself now I see a monster, something I hate.

Why I Feel Worthless

There is a girl on PT complaining about how her teachers are concerned about her weight loss. This makes me feel so purposeless. I know my English teacher saw me skip lunch at least twice, so did my business teacher. I'm sure all of my teachers have seem the cuts on my arms and heard about me trying to commit suicide last year, but I've never gotten any sort of concern out of them. One of my friends told one of my teachers about me cutting and still nothing. The word just gets passed on to my parents because I'm their problem not my schools. I'm apparently not worth getting concerned about. People could give a shit less about what I do as long as I say I'm fine.
Also I try to talk to my "friends" but whenever I'm having issues they either get real uncomfortable and quite or just say "I love you" like that will fix my problem. But you know if I did that when they were having problems they would talk about what a bitch I am.
Then there is my parents. I really don't think they think I have any real problems. That everytime i get depressed I'm just "overreacting" or "doing it for attention. Either that or they think that I can't be helped and that they have wasted to much time trying to. Basically I have issues trusting people and really believing that they will be there for me when I need them, and then I see all these girls on PT complaining about their friends/parents/significant others being concerned about them, and it makes me want to die because I don't have that and I'm starting to think I never will.

So Prom Planning Begins

Keiran asked me to prm today. Not only did he ask me but one of my friends caught it on video. He wasn't going to ask me, the asshole he just assumed we were going, but I forgave him, quick quickly. My friends have started harrassing him about when he is going to ask me out because we call each other our life partners all the time now. But now I can actually be excited for prom. I want to go shopping now!

The Days That Make Everything Better

Today was amazing and exactly what I need after feeling so down this weekend. My friends and I started out the day just hysterically laughing in the hallway over nothing significant. Then Keiran always makes my day better. He said he would be my life partner and that I  had to call him everyday if I moved to Arizona and face chat him.  Really we have that type of relationship going on where I think he likes me and I like him and I think he knows that but we don't advance for fear that the other one doesn't have the same feelings. Everyone knows it, we flirt all the time, and I'm sure some people are like "Ahh how sweet," and others just find it sickening. But when I'm with him I feel comfortable. I'm really hoping he asks me to prom again. Last year we went but I didn't really think much of it because I didn't really like him like I do no.

My Dog is Dying

We were actually thinking she might die yesterday. We all have to sit here and watch her die, none of us have the heart to go shot her and put her out of her misery.  It's psychological torture. She is so thin, she won't eat, she is so cold. I just went out and said goodbye and couldn't stop crying. She was shaking, she didn't look like she had the strength to lift her head. I just wish I would have played with more and pet her more when I had a chance. She is such a sweet dog, she loved everyone, never hurt anything and thought she was smaller then she was. She took care of kittens and wanted to be a mother but she couldn't because we had her spayed. She had arthritis
 practically her whole life but always pushed through the hardest times. I seriously hope I'm wrong about faith because she deserves a better place.

My Mom Will be the Death of Me

I answer the phone and it's her on the other line, she asked what I was doing and as always I say nothing. Her exact quote, "Nothing, that doesn't sound very healthy, go do 40 laps around the house." Then I hand the phone to my dad and he gets mad because she was still speaking to me, I  seriously want out of this house. I'm so sick of everyone mocking me and my disorders. It really is no wonder I feel worthless and really just want to die.

So Far So Good

The New Year has been so busy and stressful but I can't think of a year in my life the wasn't, so besides for that things haven been going pretty well. I hate not having a study hall in the morning anymore, it means I actually have to do my homework. I actually hate school, more like I hate classes and working I like the social interaction. I like English though. Brandon is acting depressing and I feel bad because I'm not being the normal comforting Lexi I usually am but I've been in such a good mood lately I get kind of pissed when people bring me down. I've sort of realized that no matter what I will always see myself as ugly and fat, I though this realization would send me spiraling into depressing but it hasn't. Really it felt more like I had discovered a part of me that I had been missing for a long time. That's sad. So far my biggest self discovery is that I will always hate myself.

1/1/11

It's a New Year! Yesterday I thought my New Years plans might be ruined when I went out and saw a blizzard taking place, but I got to my friends house and we had a pretty good time. There where a few awkward moments (well at least for me there were) because I don't feel comfortable telling her anything personal anymore. I really lost my reason to trust people especially her. So my resolutions look basically like this.

1. Lose Weight
2. Save Money
3. Get a Boyfriend (yes that is a stupid resolution)
4. Get a Job
5. Help out more
6. Eat less (can't put that, recovery)
7. Exercise more
8. Find out about myself
9. Get my anger under control
10. Make Friends
11. Quite being antisocial
12. Keep my grades up. 
13. Practice guitar more
14. Find a style

Yeah so nothing to interesting, but I have a lot, hopefully I'll succeed in most. Take Care.