No Plans

So yesterday I went to the amusment park with Kayla, and we ran into her ex boyfriend and his aunt. They ended up hanging out with us all day. It was still fun, I mean at least he is cool and pretty funny so it could have been worse. I ate too much at dinner though, I was trying to jusify it because I hadn't eaten all day and we walked alot, but I was full mid way through and I kept eating. I'm trying not to think about it.

Strange Family isn't Always a Bad Thing.

So yesterday I hung out with my cousins and we went to garage sales. We ended up buying three plastic crosses at a Church garage sale because the preacher gave a dollar to buy something. So we  wrote “You Just Got Saved” on them and throwing them into peoples open car windows. It was crazy haha. Then we somehow ended up at the Virgin Mary shrine and took a bunch of photos there.
After that we picked up our younger cousin, whose family is way to harsh on her, and took her bowling. Note: we all suck at bowling! I did end up winning one game, with the high score of 87. I ended up spending the night in town and we played Sardines, which is hide in go seek except one person hides and once you find them you hide with them. The whole day was great.
Elitches is in 3 days, I'm so excited to see Kayla! I really miss her. My weigh in is tomorrow, I was suppose to be down two pounds, I have a feeling I'm only going to be down one which is frusterating but I did eat like crap so I should just be glad I didn't gain.

It's my Birthday

I'm going shopping with my mom, not sure how excited I am about this. Oh well next week I actually get to go with my friends to the amusment park.

The Sun Shines Through the Strom

Today was actually pleasent. I had the radio on and was dancing, most of the day. Kayla called we talked for a bit, she invited me to camp with her this weekend but I don't think I'll be able to because Monday is my birthday and I have previous arrangments with my cousin. I was having a great day until my dad came home and turned off the radio. Then mom didn't come out like she was suppose to, and dad and I got into a fight. This is the 3rd day in a row I've cut.

Today was actually one of the first good days I've had since Summer started.

Well I haven't posted in awhile

The end of school got busy and those last few weeks were filled with wonders and terrors. I crashed a car because I passed out. Then that same night (mothers day) my mom confronted me about cutting and took away my knife. So I went two weeks cut free, until last night, because I'm living at my dad's now and I'm unhappy at my dads. Oh I also broke up with Keiran, but I don't care about that anymore I'm okay. So back to my living situation because this is going to be a huge part of my summer, my basically said I could live with here this summer then told me no the last day of school. I'm in a house where I can kill myself and no one would notice until house later, and I'm suicidal to the point of having it planned out. Oh what made it worse was my mom prancing around the last time she would see me in weeks literally say she wouldn't miss us. The cutting has been worse, more and deeper then ever before. I'm craving it. I only cut two little marks down my arms last night and all I could think about was doing it more.

But wait I have good news, Kayla (who I previously said I hated) is totally awesome. And I'm taking her to both a concert and to the amusement park, turns out it was just Sierra(who I previously said I wanted to be my friend again), who is a manipulative little creep, making her act weird.

I Hate Sundays, I Hate It Here.

Things have just been especially hard lately. We recently learned my grandpa has cancer and there is a good chance my mom may have cancer too. I'm extremely confused about a situation that I don't even feel comfortable writing about here. To top it all off, I'm thinking about suicide more seriously then I ever have before. This is a really scary time in my in my life. My family is on edge, I really hate it here and just want to escape. The fact is that I don't know if were moving anymore, that means I'm trapped. Trapped with people who I care about more then I care about them and that hurts, and each day its torture to face those people. I hate my school, I hate my home, I'm starting to hate my family. The emotion exhaustion I get from being around them is enough to make me think I'm going to die. I hate myself, because I'm weak. I can't face things, I hide. I push others away. Keiran: I've pushed him so far away. I cry everyday, I cry at school. No one sees, no one knows. I'm the master of hiding. The happy fake. I've only told two people that my mom may have cancer. For when you say those words, the idea becomes to real. I'm scared. I'm scared for her, I'm scared for me, I'm scared for us; as a family. Can we really stick together? Can we really support each other? These last few weeks I haven't seen it. I've seen me in my room; avoiding all contact, mom with her friends; pushing the thoughts from her mind, dad yelling in the kitchen; it strains us all, and my brothers in their childish worlds. We aren't together, we are in a house miles apart. I've always had hope, now I can't help but wonder why I have. Everything seems against me. I seem against me.

Ships Are Sinking All Around Me

I'm starting to realize; that next year I'll most likely be in Arizona, that my friends and I have nothing to talk about anymore, that things are going to change. It's scary as all hell realizing this. 

Cloud 9

Tonight I went to the districts basketball game, mom gave me a ride in but I had to find a way to get home. So I asked Keiran and he said he could probably talk Claudio, Richard's brother, into giving me a ride back. Well since Richard and Keiran live in the same house (long story) they were taking Sierra home too. Well after dropping her off, things just kept getting better. I mean Keiran and I were just snuggling in the back seat talking, and once we ran out of things to talk about, we just sat in silence. I mean it wasn't that weird awkward silence were you feel pressured to say something it was just this comfortable silence, that was easy to break but fine if we slipped back into it. Poor Richard looked back just as he kissed me, but I don't feel bad because him and Sierra have put me in that situation countless numbers of time. Then we got to my house he walked me to the door, gave me a goodnight kiss and left me to wonder how tasteful it is to have your boyfriend to kiss you in the back of a van with S&M by Rihanna playing.

Anyone in the Mood for Random Thoughts?

Billy Talent is going to be big, he reminds me of the Sex Pistols but not enough where I think he is just ripping them off. I plan on spending my entire 50$ itunes gift card asap.
Sex Ain't Love just came on and I shouted "I love this song." My dad is personally thinking he failed as a parent now.
I Fucking Love Shinedown! Need the CD!
Rob Zombie is hot! Like seriously.....I would...nevermind.
I don't want to do that stupid class thing today! Espescally since I have to work with Kayla. She pisses me off. Bitch. Oh well, I might get to see Keiran.
Shit my internet crashed.
I think I might get this dress for prom!

 

Go Green! haha
IDEK.

I Wish I had Friends

Or that I didn't care that I didn't

Shit Matters

I know it does.
But I don't care.
I've lost motivation.
My friends think I'm a bitch.
I just want to be alone.
But I want to be happy.
I try to be happy.
And I usually am okay during school.
But when I get home, I realized
How lonely I really am.
And how scared I am.
And how I just don't want to deal with this anymore.

I'm Just...

I'm just...
done
pissed
sad
angry
hurt
ugly
torn
scared
fine
numb
hopeless
ready
fat
worthless
suffering

But I'll say
I'm okay.

Tonight.

Tonight was great. Keiran gave me flowers and we barely let go of each other the whole night. Sad thing was he had to leave early. I took a bunch of photos before the dance (just of me) because I was so nervous and I had three cups of coffee so I was really hyper. So I'm just going to put them here.

I was experimenting with close ups.

These are the flowers Keiran gave me! (:

Valentine's Dance

The Dance is tonight, I'm actually nervous. Like the excited butterflies nervous. I need to repaint my nails and curl my hair. Most of my homework is already done. This is so strange. Kayla is taking me home so I don't have to worry about the awkward moment where we want to kiss goodnight, but my parents are right there. haha. At least that's good. Wow the more I think about it the more nervous I get. I need to stop thinking...

Ice Cream and Sublime

All I need is weed, and tonight would be complete.
Today was great. Hung out with Keiran, I was suppose to take pictures for yearbook but he stole my camera, so I could have fun. Tomorrow is the Valentine dance, I'm really excited. My outfit is adorable, I actually can look in the mirror and be happy wityh how I look in it. That is such an amazing step forwards.
I haven't gained anymore weight, I'm still at 113, but at least I'm not losing.

A Little Bit of Hope

I'm zero days cut free. I skipped a meal today. I had a mental breakdown last night about how fat I am. It's hard but I vow to get through it and today something made me happier then I've been in a long time.

We were sitting in health and Keiran asked me if I had any gum, I got it out but wouldn't let him have him have it so he was trying to grab it out of my hand. Sierra yelled "Keiran stop holding Lexi's hand" and he said "Oh what, now I can't hold her hand, well fine. Lexi wanna go out?" And of course I said yes, after making sure he was serious. He then said he was going to buy me the most over the top stuffed animal for me on Valentines day. I'm really content right now and I know him just asking me out won't make everything okay, but it makes things a little better.

I Hate My Friends

I seriously do, because they abounded me. They actually did. Sure they are here now, but they don't care about my problems or me. Really how can they feel like they are my friends when they don't even talk to me outside of school or know whats going on in my life outside of school? And they are so close it honestly tears me apart. That's how me and her use to be, but she doesn't call anymore because we have nothing to talk about. And she never comes over because I'm no fun. And she doesn't wait for me because she doesn't need me.
And I'm so jealous of the girl that she now calls her best friend, because I have to hear about their late night calls. And she tells her to text her anytime. And she calls her "her sister." And it makes me sick, and angry, and sad because it's hard to see some be there for someone else when they could be there for you.

So Prom Planning Begins

Keiran asked me to prm today. Not only did he ask me but one of my friends caught it on video. He wasn't going to ask me, the asshole he just assumed we were going, but I forgave him, quick quickly. My friends have started harrassing him about when he is going to ask me out because we call each other our life partners all the time now. But now I can actually be excited for prom. I want to go shopping now!

The Days That Make Everything Better

Today was amazing and exactly what I need after feeling so down this weekend. My friends and I started out the day just hysterically laughing in the hallway over nothing significant. Then Keiran always makes my day better. He said he would be my life partner and that I  had to call him everyday if I moved to Arizona and face chat him.  Really we have that type of relationship going on where I think he likes me and I like him and I think he knows that but we don't advance for fear that the other one doesn't have the same feelings. Everyone knows it, we flirt all the time, and I'm sure some people are like "Ahh how sweet," and others just find it sickening. But when I'm with him I feel comfortable. I'm really hoping he asks me to prom again. Last year we went but I didn't really think much of it because I didn't really like him like I do no.

1/1/11

It's a New Year! Yesterday I thought my New Years plans might be ruined when I went out and saw a blizzard taking place, but I got to my friends house and we had a pretty good time. There where a few awkward moments (well at least for me there were) because I don't feel comfortable telling her anything personal anymore. I really lost my reason to trust people especially her. So my resolutions look basically like this.

1. Lose Weight
2. Save Money
3. Get a Boyfriend (yes that is a stupid resolution)
4. Get a Job
5. Help out more
6. Eat less (can't put that, recovery)
7. Exercise more
8. Find out about myself
9. Get my anger under control
10. Make Friends
11. Quite being antisocial
12. Keep my grades up. 
13. Practice guitar more
14. Find a style

Yeah so nothing to interesting, but I have a lot, hopefully I'll succeed in most. Take Care.