The Sun Shines Through the Strom

Today was actually pleasent. I had the radio on and was dancing, most of the day. Kayla called we talked for a bit, she invited me to camp with her this weekend but I don't think I'll be able to because Monday is my birthday and I have previous arrangments with my cousin. I was having a great day until my dad came home and turned off the radio. Then mom didn't come out like she was suppose to, and dad and I got into a fight. This is the 3rd day in a row I've cut.

Today was actually one of the first good days I've had since Summer started.

Well I haven't posted in awhile

The end of school got busy and those last few weeks were filled with wonders and terrors. I crashed a car because I passed out. Then that same night (mothers day) my mom confronted me about cutting and took away my knife. So I went two weeks cut free, until last night, because I'm living at my dad's now and I'm unhappy at my dads. Oh I also broke up with Keiran, but I don't care about that anymore I'm okay. So back to my living situation because this is going to be a huge part of my summer, my basically said I could live with here this summer then told me no the last day of school. I'm in a house where I can kill myself and no one would notice until house later, and I'm suicidal to the point of having it planned out. Oh what made it worse was my mom prancing around the last time she would see me in weeks literally say she wouldn't miss us. The cutting has been worse, more and deeper then ever before. I'm craving it. I only cut two little marks down my arms last night and all I could think about was doing it more.

But wait I have good news, Kayla (who I previously said I hated) is totally awesome. And I'm taking her to both a concert and to the amusement park, turns out it was just Sierra(who I previously said I wanted to be my friend again), who is a manipulative little creep, making her act weird.

What is Home?

Usually in the Summer we live with our dad, but I'm going to ask my mom if I can live with her this Summer. I use to think I got along better with my dad then I did with my mom but now its really equal, and I just hate living with either of them. I imagine everyday what it would be like to just go away, to live somewhere else with someone else. I know I couldn't live on my own, but I almost can't live with my parents. They'll yell at me for reasons that don't justify yelling. It makes me feel worthless, I am worthless.
I only speak to them when I need to, communicate through gestures if I can get away with it. I have come to the point where I am literally afraid to speak. This place scares me because it is seriously think no one would care if I died. It's hard not to act upon your suicidal intentions if you have no one to live for. I at least have one person who really supports me, someone I can tell anything. At least I have him, otherwise I have nothing.

I Hate Sundays, I Hate It Here.

Things have just been especially hard lately. We recently learned my grandpa has cancer and there is a good chance my mom may have cancer too. I'm extremely confused about a situation that I don't even feel comfortable writing about here. To top it all off, I'm thinking about suicide more seriously then I ever have before. This is a really scary time in my in my life. My family is on edge, I really hate it here and just want to escape. The fact is that I don't know if were moving anymore, that means I'm trapped. Trapped with people who I care about more then I care about them and that hurts, and each day its torture to face those people. I hate my school, I hate my home, I'm starting to hate my family. The emotion exhaustion I get from being around them is enough to make me think I'm going to die. I hate myself, because I'm weak. I can't face things, I hide. I push others away. Keiran: I've pushed him so far away. I cry everyday, I cry at school. No one sees, no one knows. I'm the master of hiding. The happy fake. I've only told two people that my mom may have cancer. For when you say those words, the idea becomes to real. I'm scared. I'm scared for her, I'm scared for me, I'm scared for us; as a family. Can we really stick together? Can we really support each other? These last few weeks I haven't seen it. I've seen me in my room; avoiding all contact, mom with her friends; pushing the thoughts from her mind, dad yelling in the kitchen; it strains us all, and my brothers in their childish worlds. We aren't together, we are in a house miles apart. I've always had hope, now I can't help but wonder why I have. Everything seems against me. I seem against me.

Tick Tock, Your On the Clock

I really need to tell my dad that I don't want to take gutiar lessons anymore. I have like zero courage to do so...But I need to do it today.

Anyone in the Mood for Random Thoughts?

Billy Talent is going to be big, he reminds me of the Sex Pistols but not enough where I think he is just ripping them off. I plan on spending my entire 50$ itunes gift card asap.
Sex Ain't Love just came on and I shouted "I love this song." My dad is personally thinking he failed as a parent now.
I Fucking Love Shinedown! Need the CD!
Rob Zombie is hot! Like seriously.....I would...nevermind.
I don't want to do that stupid class thing today! Espescally since I have to work with Kayla. She pisses me off. Bitch. Oh well, I might get to see Keiran.
Shit my internet crashed.
I think I might get this dress for prom!

 

Go Green! haha
IDEK.

Shit Matters

I know it does.
But I don't care.
I've lost motivation.
My friends think I'm a bitch.
I just want to be alone.
But I want to be happy.
I try to be happy.
And I usually am okay during school.
But when I get home, I realized
How lonely I really am.
And how scared I am.
And how I just don't want to deal with this anymore.

I'm just going to put these here

First photos out of the hospital, I had an FBLA event today, that is why I was dressed up.

My Mom Will be the Death of Me

I answer the phone and it's her on the other line, she asked what I was doing and as always I say nothing. Her exact quote, "Nothing, that doesn't sound very healthy, go do 40 laps around the house." Then I hand the phone to my dad and he gets mad because she was still speaking to me, I  seriously want out of this house. I'm so sick of everyone mocking me and my disorders. It really is no wonder I feel worthless and really just want to die.

Christmas Break Day 2

It's only my second day of Christmas break and I'm already board out of my mind! I seriously don't know what to do with myself. Tomorrow we are going to Grandma J's Christmas lunch and then to evening mass, and that won't be so bad. I actually like going to church despite the fact that I'm atheist. I think it's the hymns, and everyone singing them. It's the only place people aren't embarrassed to sing.
Today I spent most of my day online and running in place, and that got old rather quickly. I practiced my guitar until my fingers hurt. I did my hair and make-up even though I wasn't going anywhere and took pictures of myself. They are the typical teenage self-pics nothing special plus I edited the hell out of them.