Monday, May 30, 2011

It's my Birthday

I'm going shopping with my mom, not sure how excited I am about this. Oh well next week I actually get to go with my friends to the amusment park.

Friday, May 27, 2011

I'm Never Going To Talk To Him Again

I told him I couldn't
He is defriended
Deleted
Out.
I miss him
Things should have ended better
I can't regret the past.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Things realized tonight
  • Parents aren't concerned about me cutting just how it reflects on them
  • Parents are disappointed I'm not the perfect daughter who can wear short sleeves without people staring at my arms
  • Being disrepectful is more of a concern to my parents then me cutting
  • I'll never be 100% confortable with physical contact
  • I only feel some what pretty with my hair done and full make-up
  • I truely dislike my parents

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Sun Shines Through the Strom

Today was actually pleasent. I had the radio on and was dancing, most of the day. Kayla called we talked for a bit, she invited me to camp with her this weekend but I don't think I'll be able to because Monday is my birthday and I have previous arrangments with my cousin. I was having a great day until my dad came home and turned off the radio. Then mom didn't come out like she was suppose to, and dad and I got into a fight. This is the 3rd day in a row I've cut.

Today was actually one of the first good days I've had since Summer started.

Monday, May 23, 2011

I Can't Even Say His Name

(Note this can be read three ways, the regular font words tell in the most straight forward way whats going on right now, the italic words are more of how I feel, and together they tell the full story.)

He stopped talking to me, and I want to message him back but I'm trying not too.
I shouldn't even be talking to him
I keep telling myself he is controlling, he hurts me, he is trying to trap me.
I need to be free
Remember when he blamed me for everything, remember how bad I cut.
I know he causes pain
Its hard because he has been there for me, he listened when no one else would
I shouldn't have told him anything
I love him, I probably always will, losing him scares me.
I can't even say his name

Well I haven't posted in awhile

The end of school got busy and those last few weeks were filled with wonders and terrors. I crashed a car because I passed out. Then that same night (mothers day) my mom confronted me about cutting and took away my knife. So I went two weeks cut free, until last night, because I'm living at my dad's now and I'm unhappy at my dads. Oh I also broke up with Keiran, but I don't care about that anymore I'm okay. So back to my living situation because this is going to be a huge part of my summer, my basically said I could live with here this summer then told me no the last day of school. I'm in a house where I can kill myself and no one would notice until house later, and I'm suicidal to the point of having it planned out. Oh what made it worse was my mom prancing around the last time she would see me in weeks literally say she wouldn't miss us. The cutting has been worse, more and deeper then ever before. I'm craving it. I only cut two little marks down my arms last night and all I could think about was doing it more.

But wait I have good news, Kayla (who I previously said I hated) is totally awesome. And I'm taking her to both a concert and to the amusement park, turns out it was just Sierra(who I previously said I wanted to be my friend again), who is a manipulative little creep, making her act weird.