.

I'm swamped with homework, and I leave for Vail Sunday.
My computer mouse barely works and I have to do a research paper outline.
I hate today.

Prom was yesterday

Prom was fun
Prom was a chance to show my friends I do really care about them
Prom was a chance to give Keiran a second chance
Prom was a confidene lower
Prom is something I don't want to talk about
Prom is the last thng on my mind today.

In the moment that you loes yourself, you wish that you were someone else.

I'm tired. My grades are bad. I almost have an F in Spanish. I really haven't eaten today, I'm just too stressed to eat. Prom is Saturday. I'm not excited for several reasons. I'm just tired.

I Hate Sundays, I Hate It Here.

Things have just been especially hard lately. We recently learned my grandpa has cancer and there is a good chance my mom may have cancer too. I'm extremely confused about a situation that I don't even feel comfortable writing about here. To top it all off, I'm thinking about suicide more seriously then I ever have before. This is a really scary time in my in my life. My family is on edge, I really hate it here and just want to escape. The fact is that I don't know if were moving anymore, that means I'm trapped. Trapped with people who I care about more then I care about them and that hurts, and each day its torture to face those people. I hate my school, I hate my home, I'm starting to hate my family. The emotion exhaustion I get from being around them is enough to make me think I'm going to die. I hate myself, because I'm weak. I can't face things, I hide. I push others away. Keiran: I've pushed him so far away. I cry everyday, I cry at school. No one sees, no one knows. I'm the master of hiding. The happy fake. I've only told two people that my mom may have cancer. For when you say those words, the idea becomes to real. I'm scared. I'm scared for her, I'm scared for me, I'm scared for us; as a family. Can we really stick together? Can we really support each other? These last few weeks I haven't seen it. I've seen me in my room; avoiding all contact, mom with her friends; pushing the thoughts from her mind, dad yelling in the kitchen; it strains us all, and my brothers in their childish worlds. We aren't together, we are in a house miles apart. I've always had hope, now I can't help but wonder why I have. Everything seems against me. I seem against me.

Shit Matters

I know it does.
But I don't care.
I've lost motivation.
My friends think I'm a bitch.
I just want to be alone.
But I want to be happy.
I try to be happy.
And I usually am okay during school.
But when I get home, I realized
How lonely I really am.
And how scared I am.
And how I just don't want to deal with this anymore.

I Lost My Future

Yesterday mom was really crabby and making everyone around her as miserable as she was, well after making me cry three times, calling me worthless, and grounding me for nothing, she told me I have no collage savings. None. My dad spent it all. This caused me to go into a meltdown and I ended up crying in the laundry room for an hour. Already I have been confused about what I was going to do with my life after high school, but now I don't even what to think about it. Collage is expensive, and I'm to stupid to get a scholarship. Plus I don't even know what I would be going to collage for anyway. Basically last night I realized all of this, with that I'm done trying. If I'm going to have a crappy life anyway, why should I work hard now? I have so much I'd rather be doing. I'll most likely kill myself before the age of thirty anyway. School really isn't going to make a difference in my life. I'm done. My future is hopeless.

A Little Bit of Hope

I'm zero days cut free. I skipped a meal today. I had a mental breakdown last night about how fat I am. It's hard but I vow to get through it and today something made me happier then I've been in a long time.

We were sitting in health and Keiran asked me if I had any gum, I got it out but wouldn't let him have him have it so he was trying to grab it out of my hand. Sierra yelled "Keiran stop holding Lexi's hand" and he said "Oh what, now I can't hold her hand, well fine. Lexi wanna go out?" And of course I said yes, after making sure he was serious. He then said he was going to buy me the most over the top stuffed animal for me on Valentines day. I'm really content right now and I know him just asking me out won't make everything okay, but it makes things a little better.

I Hate My Friends

I seriously do, because they abounded me. They actually did. Sure they are here now, but they don't care about my problems or me. Really how can they feel like they are my friends when they don't even talk to me outside of school or know whats going on in my life outside of school? And they are so close it honestly tears me apart. That's how me and her use to be, but she doesn't call anymore because we have nothing to talk about. And she never comes over because I'm no fun. And she doesn't wait for me because she doesn't need me.
And I'm so jealous of the girl that she now calls her best friend, because I have to hear about their late night calls. And she tells her to text her anytime. And she calls her "her sister." And it makes me sick, and angry, and sad because it's hard to see some be there for someone else when they could be there for you.

More about Yesterday

Should have posted this yesterday, but I was really tired and didn't feel like writing. So I didn't sleep well last night and had to wake early to do my hair. Well the night before I started taking this new pill Cytomel, well after an hour of being up I started feeling really light headed and sick to my stomach. I went to go get a drink of water since I haven't drank anything all morning. Well I got to the kitchen and instantly felt like I was going to pass out so I sat down, then started feeling really hot and clamy at the same time. Then as quickly as it came it passed, really strange. But other then that, yesterday was amazing! I got second place in sports management in my distract which means I'm going to state! I'm really excited!

School is Anti Motivation

Seriously I think if the most motivational speaker ever came to out school and gave a speech, afterwords I would just give him the figure and shake my head until he got that he could not make me give a fuck. My grades are shit, at least I think they are, I haven't cared enough to check. I'm not failing anything, thank my lucky stars but I'm certainly not passing with flying colors. Really I don't care about school and I know thats the typically teenage thing to say but right now I really don't care about anything, especially school. I want to stay home and just be alone. I have fun at school with people but I'm always so stressed there. My parents are now considering not moving to Arizona. If we don't go I don't know how long I'll survive here.

To the point

I'm tired haven't slept well for the last three days, also I think I have an ear infection.  It's snowing and I am really hope we don't have school tomorrow. Keiran wasn't at school the last two days either because he has been sick.

So Prom Planning Begins

Keiran asked me to prm today. Not only did he ask me but one of my friends caught it on video. He wasn't going to ask me, the asshole he just assumed we were going, but I forgave him, quick quickly. My friends have started harrassing him about when he is going to ask me out because we call each other our life partners all the time now. But now I can actually be excited for prom. I want to go shopping now!

So Far So Good

The New Year has been so busy and stressful but I can't think of a year in my life the wasn't, so besides for that things haven been going pretty well. I hate not having a study hall in the morning anymore, it means I actually have to do my homework. I actually hate school, more like I hate classes and working I like the social interaction. I like English though. Brandon is acting depressing and I feel bad because I'm not being the normal comforting Lexi I usually am but I've been in such a good mood lately I get kind of pissed when people bring me down. I've sort of realized that no matter what I will always see myself as ugly and fat, I though this realization would send me spiraling into depressing but it hasn't. Really it felt more like I had discovered a part of me that I had been missing for a long time. That's sad. So far my biggest self discovery is that I will always hate myself.

Quick

Haven't been updating much and this post will be a quick one. School is getting better, told Sierra that I may be moving to Arizona, 4 days binge free, gutair lessons going well, Brandon is single and hitting on me (I hate when he does this), and I have no Christmas shopping done and its only 17 days till Christmas.

I Need Out

Today in science Kayla said "Sierra I would cry so much if you move away" and then added in a less enthused voice "...oh and lex too." This is when I realized these two, no matter how much they may act like it, really don't care about me. I need out of my school because no one likes me here and I need a second chance. I'm going to talk to my parents about it either at Christmas break or towards the end of the school year. I can't even make it through school without wanting to call one of my parents to come and get me, I that miserable right now. And home is not any better. Eating is not on my mind right now, because huger pains don't even compare to what I'm feeling right now. Life is like running on a hamster wheel, I do the same basic things ever day. I need a change, for my sanity, for my life.

Thanks For Caring...

At parent teacher conferences my supernatant informed my dad that one of my friend's parents were concerned about me cutting and burning. My mom told me this morning that I would be going and talking to my doctor about this and that he could tell by my school pictures that I had started again. This lead to me crying, and after stopping and reapplying my make-up mom came in and said "I tried, but I can't make you stop." Which lead to me crying again. I told Kayla and Sierra this at school and got a kind of "well sucks too be you reaction" so that lead to me feeling like crap. And to top it off Keiran tells me he got a girl pregnant at his other school.  Last period of the day I was so done, not only with school but with life in general. Nothing is going right. I have no one to confide in and only Brandon really cares about me. I just want to die, because right now I'm just a joke.

Crushes are Scarier then Monsters

So Keiran, the guy I have a crush on, came back Tuesday. So he comes back and he acts like he owns the joint and I'm like this isn't going to fly, so later in science he kept trying to get my answers to the homework assignment. Well I wouldn't let him see it and he say "Lexi from last year would have let me see her's." and so I go "Well Lexi from last year died and went to hell and sold her soul to the devil" I think this is when he relized that I'm not the same person at all and he kind of likes this new person. But of course we fight like "an old married couple" as my friend put it and we argue in every single class. And really he is getting so much crap for liking me and I guess you can say he even admitted it, when someone asked if he liked me he said sure. I think our class is starting to hate us but our arguments make our day. Seriously we are flirting so hardcore that I'm surprised that none of our teachers have opened their mouths, but whatever this is the best I've felt since I went to the concert with him. He makes me feel like I have nothing to worry about like we together are untouchable. And it may be a bit stupid to think that but really right now I'm just so happy he is back I could really care less. Oh suppose to be a Halloween post too because we got to dress up in our costumes for school, but I got sidetracked.... (:

Can You Fake it for One More Show?

@Vampire Thank you, your comment really picked me up and yes all the photos I post are of me.

The last few days have been hell toned down. It's like if I went to hell for gluttony, my eternal suffering wouldn't be as bad as someone in hell for murder but still it would be suffering. So I made a huge mistake at homecoming and threw myself at some loser of a guy because of how upset I was that I didn't have a date, so now I have this guy thinking we are going out. And I just want him to go away, he is annoying and thinks he is better then everyone else. Right now I can avoid him but after Christmas he is transferring to my school, and I know by then I'll have to fix this but I keep hoping if I just ignore the whole situation it will go away. I wish I was mean so I could just tell him to fuck off, and not care about his feelings.

Also I've been in a binge crazy mode, and I have no idea why. Usually I have at least some control over myself but recently food has been my drug.  I don't know what it is about October that makes me want sweets, I wish I could get apples when I went trick or treating instead.

As off Sunday I'm no longer cut free, I don't know why I cut, all I know is I did and it was the deepest I ever have. I don't think I can be happy being happy, I mean when I'm depressed I feel better about life then when I'm happy, just shows how fucked up I am.

Hope you all have your lives a little more figured out then me.

School Pictures

School pictures were today, I'm sure mine looked horrible. I know I looked fat. Other then that school was boring, except science. In science we got to play with fire, I mean "experiment with melting points."

Guitar lessons are tonight, I'm scared. Didn't practice as much as I should have.

Oh btw someone came up to me today and said "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Cause your face is fucked up." Really I know I'm ugly I don't need to be reminded, there isn't much I can do about it.