I Hate Sundays, I Hate It Here.

Things have just been especially hard lately. We recently learned my grandpa has cancer and there is a good chance my mom may have cancer too. I'm extremely confused about a situation that I don't even feel comfortable writing about here. To top it all off, I'm thinking about suicide more seriously then I ever have before. This is a really scary time in my in my life. My family is on edge, I really hate it here and just want to escape. The fact is that I don't know if were moving anymore, that means I'm trapped. Trapped with people who I care about more then I care about them and that hurts, and each day its torture to face those people. I hate my school, I hate my home, I'm starting to hate my family. The emotion exhaustion I get from being around them is enough to make me think I'm going to die. I hate myself, because I'm weak. I can't face things, I hide. I push others away. Keiran: I've pushed him so far away. I cry everyday, I cry at school. No one sees, no one knows. I'm the master of hiding. The happy fake. I've only told two people that my mom may have cancer. For when you say those words, the idea becomes to real. I'm scared. I'm scared for her, I'm scared for me, I'm scared for us; as a family. Can we really stick together? Can we really support each other? These last few weeks I haven't seen it. I've seen me in my room; avoiding all contact, mom with her friends; pushing the thoughts from her mind, dad yelling in the kitchen; it strains us all, and my brothers in their childish worlds. We aren't together, we are in a house miles apart. I've always had hope, now I can't help but wonder why I have. Everything seems against me. I seem against me.