I'm Sorry Guys

I'm sorry I'm so depressing, I try to be happy but it's hard.

"I don't expect it to be easy, but then nothing ever is." ~ Rob Long

Yesterday hung out with my cousin. It was fun. We played catchphrase with two of my aunts and watched Knight and Day. I stayed overnight, we were at my grandma's house, but she had to go because the roads where suppose to be bad in the morning. It snowed, well its still snowing. I'm glad, I've missed the snow. Tomorrow I'm going to a friends house for New years so this is probably the last time this year I'll be writing. Hope you all have a Happy New Years.

Music.Shopping.Headaches

So last night I took a handful of painkillers, no harm intended. I expected to sleep it off but dad woke me up early so we could go into town for my brothers eye appointment. Well by the time I had gotten ready there was no time for breakfast, so I thought I could go without. The pills though made my stomach so shaky and my the time we got to town I had the worse headache. So I convinced dad to buy me some crackers because by this time I didn't feel like I could stomach anything else. I ate about eight Ritz and felt full and my stomach felt momentary better, unfortunately it did nothing for my head and I had to deal with that when my brother was getting his eyes checked. But after he was done at the eye doctor we went and ate, and I after eating real food I felt immediately better. Then dad took us to the mall and I wondered off on my own. I hate shopping alone, but with mom working two jobs and living in the middle of nowhere its usually my only my only option. Well I had started to feel a little light-headed again but ignored it and continued shopping. I went into Spencer's and Marilyn Manson was on so I know I would be hanging out in there for a while. Well I started looking at bellybutton rings and the sales assitance came over and asked if I needed in the jewelery case, I looked up said "no, not yet," then he asked "are you okay?" and I about passed out. So I learned that when you are feeling light headed never go into a store with strobe lights. Other then that today was good I got two CD's for under 12$, Nirvana - Nevermind and Stone Temple Pilots - Core. I didn't by anything else, I want to kind of save up my money.

Your not weak, your human and your fragile.

 @wj89- Thank you for your comment I really appreciated it. No ever since my mom picked up a second job our family doesn't spend much time together.

"Your not weak, your human and your fragile." I just told someone on PT this, and I wish I could believe the same thing about myself. I feel fat, hideous and unhappy. Actually lately when I've been alone I've always felt unhappy. I'm fine when I'm around other people but alone I feel...abandoned. I'll have to talk to my theripist about this next time I see him but that might be a while away.

Today I went to my Aunt's house where all my little cousins where spending the day. My 11 year old cousin took me out on his go kart that he got for Christmas. I'm usually scared of that type of thing but it was fun. When I spun his sister and my other young cousin around he asked if I could spin him. I asked If he had a girlfriend and he said yeah and "I said I don't pick up guys with girlfriends."  Then after lunch I mainly just hung out with my aunt, it's actually nice to talk to someone. It was actually a good day.

Hot Water

@Konrad, There is an 85% chance that we are moving to Arizona next Summer.

Speaking of the move I feel I should talk more about how I feel about it. Do I want to move? I feel as if I have no other option. We as a family have out grown this place but I was the first one to really get the small town blue. Moving to a bigger town seems so applealing: a new start, bigger school, and more people. But it seems so terrifying at the same time. I've lived in one place my whole life, and its been a place where everyone knows everyone and I never felt the need to impress anyone. But a new town, of course I'll want to impress people. Now don't tell me to just be myself because this small town has offered very few opportunities to let me figure out who I am. When people ask me simple questions about myself I could sit there for hours pondering the answer. I don't know who I am, I only have a loose idea of what I like, and my style is hindered by the fact that I can't get out of the house without feeling fat. I'm one of those people you could easily forget, if you even noticed me at all.

So Christmas Was Kind of a Failure on My Part

I had a good pretty good Christmas, mom slept all day, dad watched tv, my brothers just played video games and I was on the computer. I was fine with this until I realized this was probably our last Christmas here. So I got depressed then I realized how much I'd eaten the last two days and I purged. I've only purged about ten times before this and I don't plan on doing it again. I'm still recovering yesterday was just a bump in the road. A test of my commitment to get better.

Veselé Vánoce

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you all have amazing days and got something nice. I got an ipod touch but my itunes isn't a new enough version to reconize it, so I'll have to wait till I go to my mom's house to put music on it. What did you guys get?