Crushes are Scarier then Monsters

So Keiran, the guy I have a crush on, came back Tuesday. So he comes back and he acts like he owns the joint and I'm like this isn't going to fly, so later in science he kept trying to get my answers to the homework assignment. Well I wouldn't let him see it and he say "Lexi from last year would have let me see her's." and so I go "Well Lexi from last year died and went to hell and sold her soul to the devil" I think this is when he relized that I'm not the same person at all and he kind of likes this new person. But of course we fight like "an old married couple" as my friend put it and we argue in every single class. And really he is getting so much crap for liking me and I guess you can say he even admitted it, when someone asked if he liked me he said sure. I think our class is starting to hate us but our arguments make our day. Seriously we are flirting so hardcore that I'm surprised that none of our teachers have opened their mouths, but whatever this is the best I've felt since I went to the concert with him. He makes me feel like I have nothing to worry about like we together are untouchable. And it may be a bit stupid to think that but really right now I'm just so happy he is back I could really care less. Oh suppose to be a Halloween post too because we got to dress up in our costumes for school, but I got sidetracked.... (:

This is a Fricken Happy Post! :D

 Yeah thats right HAPPY! Like seriously rainbows, sunshine and all that shit. Okay so my crush from last year moved away  :( but he's coming back!! Like we went out a couple of times and if I wasn't worried about the distant I have a feeling we would have went out. So now I'm 14 pounds lighter then the last time he saw me and I have new motivation to lose more. Really I haven't been this happy, excited, and hopeful in forever. And he is a great guy, he'll stand up for me. I mean he's an ass but he's makes everyone so everyone forgives him. Really I know its stupid to get my hopes up when I haven't even seen him since the middle of summer, but I don't know....I can't help it.

Haircut

Okay I haven't updated in a while, because there is really nothing to update on, except I got a hair cut and I really like it. I went to the doctor and he didn't weigh me so I got to stay on my bipolar medicine. Halloween is next week and I still don't know what I'm doing. Yesterday I had a massive binge, but am still down 5 inches around my stomach since I last measured. Anyways my life is kind of boring right now, but I thought I should at least keep you all updated on how boring my life is. (:

Before I cut my hair

After haircut

Sunday Morning.

Sunday morning and I've already eaten; a piece of bread with peanut butter, oatmeal and a cup of diet-coco. Not eating the rest of the day for sure and adding an extra mile to my walk.

Escape.

I need to get out of my house, of this town. Seriously the thought of staying here another minute makes me want to bang my head against the wall. Every second I stay here I get more and more depressed and I began to feel more and more hopeless. I'm so alone even in a crowd. I love my friends to death but the truth is I can't relate with them, and I certainly can't relate to my family. And I know they love me but I think everyone has given up on trying to help me. I my friends have seen the cuts on my arms and so has my dad, but no one said anything. They all think I"m a lost cause. I need someone to talk to who will at least try to understand, someone I know I can't scare away. This is why I miss going to therapy, I want to go again but my family isn't in the best situation money wise and I think they will seriously start to hate me if they had to take me to town two days a week. I need to do something and I need to do it alone, I hate how every time I go to town my parents are always hovering over me.  My parents over shelter me, and I hate them for it. I feel like I can't breath. I need space I need to think, I need to get out of here.

Emotions are For Everyone, but I Wish They Weren't

Right now I'm feeling a mixture of so many emotions I don't know how to act, think, or how to even describe them. I hate how girls are suppose to be all "lets talk about our feelings" I can't do that. Sometimes I want to and then I realize I don't even know what the hell I'm feeling, how am I suppose to tell them then? If I was a guy if one of my friends ask me what is wrong and I could just say "Fuck it all" punch a wall, and then the next day we could laugh about it. But no I'm suppose to cry, and I do succeed at crying. I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I cry because I hate myself, I cry because I hate where I live, I cry because I should be grateful, I cry because someone woke me up early, I CRY OVER FUCKING EVERYTHING! Yet everyone thinks I'm fine, and if they don't they are choosing to ignore it. Last time I was asked how I was was Monday by a teacher, made me almost feel important for a moment, but I'm just a small speck in this huge world.

Can You Fake it for One More Show?

@Vampire Thank you, your comment really picked me up and yes all the photos I post are of me.

The last few days have been hell toned down. It's like if I went to hell for gluttony, my eternal suffering wouldn't be as bad as someone in hell for murder but still it would be suffering. So I made a huge mistake at homecoming and threw myself at some loser of a guy because of how upset I was that I didn't have a date, so now I have this guy thinking we are going out. And I just want him to go away, he is annoying and thinks he is better then everyone else. Right now I can avoid him but after Christmas he is transferring to my school, and I know by then I'll have to fix this but I keep hoping if I just ignore the whole situation it will go away. I wish I was mean so I could just tell him to fuck off, and not care about his feelings.

Also I've been in a binge crazy mode, and I have no idea why. Usually I have at least some control over myself but recently food has been my drug.  I don't know what it is about October that makes me want sweets, I wish I could get apples when I went trick or treating instead.

As off Sunday I'm no longer cut free, I don't know why I cut, all I know is I did and it was the deepest I ever have. I don't think I can be happy being happy, I mean when I'm depressed I feel better about life then when I'm happy, just shows how fucked up I am.

Hope you all have your lives a little more figured out then me.