Why I Feel Worthless

There is a girl on PT complaining about how her teachers are concerned about her weight loss. This makes me feel so purposeless. I know my English teacher saw me skip lunch at least twice, so did my business teacher. I'm sure all of my teachers have seem the cuts on my arms and heard about me trying to commit suicide last year, but I've never gotten any sort of concern out of them. One of my friends told one of my teachers about me cutting and still nothing. The word just gets passed on to my parents because I'm their problem not my schools. I'm apparently not worth getting concerned about. People could give a shit less about what I do as long as I say I'm fine.
Also I try to talk to my "friends" but whenever I'm having issues they either get real uncomfortable and quite or just say "I love you" like that will fix my problem. But you know if I did that when they were having problems they would talk about what a bitch I am.
Then there is my parents. I really don't think they think I have any real problems. That everytime i get depressed I'm just "overreacting" or "doing it for attention. Either that or they think that I can't be helped and that they have wasted to much time trying to. Basically I have issues trusting people and really believing that they will be there for me when I need them, and then I see all these girls on PT complaining about their friends/parents/significant others being concerned about them, and it makes me want to die because I don't have that and I'm starting to think I never will.

So Prom Planning Begins

Keiran asked me to prm today. Not only did he ask me but one of my friends caught it on video. He wasn't going to ask me, the asshole he just assumed we were going, but I forgave him, quick quickly. My friends have started harrassing him about when he is going to ask me out because we call each other our life partners all the time now. But now I can actually be excited for prom. I want to go shopping now!

The Days That Make Everything Better

Today was amazing and exactly what I need after feeling so down this weekend. My friends and I started out the day just hysterically laughing in the hallway over nothing significant. Then Keiran always makes my day better. He said he would be my life partner and that I  had to call him everyday if I moved to Arizona and face chat him.  Really we have that type of relationship going on where I think he likes me and I like him and I think he knows that but we don't advance for fear that the other one doesn't have the same feelings. Everyone knows it, we flirt all the time, and I'm sure some people are like "Ahh how sweet," and others just find it sickening. But when I'm with him I feel comfortable. I'm really hoping he asks me to prom again. Last year we went but I didn't really think much of it because I didn't really like him like I do no.

My Dog is Dying

We were actually thinking she might die yesterday. We all have to sit here and watch her die, none of us have the heart to go shot her and put her out of her misery.  It's psychological torture. She is so thin, she won't eat, she is so cold. I just went out and said goodbye and couldn't stop crying. She was shaking, she didn't look like she had the strength to lift her head. I just wish I would have played with more and pet her more when I had a chance. She is such a sweet dog, she loved everyone, never hurt anything and thought she was smaller then she was. She took care of kittens and wanted to be a mother but she couldn't because we had her spayed. She had arthritis
 practically her whole life but always pushed through the hardest times. I seriously hope I'm wrong about faith because she deserves a better place.

My Mom Will be the Death of Me

I answer the phone and it's her on the other line, she asked what I was doing and as always I say nothing. Her exact quote, "Nothing, that doesn't sound very healthy, go do 40 laps around the house." Then I hand the phone to my dad and he gets mad because she was still speaking to me, I  seriously want out of this house. I'm so sick of everyone mocking me and my disorders. It really is no wonder I feel worthless and really just want to die.

So Far So Good

The New Year has been so busy and stressful but I can't think of a year in my life the wasn't, so besides for that things haven been going pretty well. I hate not having a study hall in the morning anymore, it means I actually have to do my homework. I actually hate school, more like I hate classes and working I like the social interaction. I like English though. Brandon is acting depressing and I feel bad because I'm not being the normal comforting Lexi I usually am but I've been in such a good mood lately I get kind of pissed when people bring me down. I've sort of realized that no matter what I will always see myself as ugly and fat, I though this realization would send me spiraling into depressing but it hasn't. Really it felt more like I had discovered a part of me that I had been missing for a long time. That's sad. So far my biggest self discovery is that I will always hate myself.

1/1/11

It's a New Year! Yesterday I thought my New Years plans might be ruined when I went out and saw a blizzard taking place, but I got to my friends house and we had a pretty good time. There where a few awkward moments (well at least for me there were) because I don't feel comfortable telling her anything personal anymore. I really lost my reason to trust people especially her. So my resolutions look basically like this.

1. Lose Weight
2. Save Money
3. Get a Boyfriend (yes that is a stupid resolution)
4. Get a Job
5. Help out more
6. Eat less (can't put that, recovery)
7. Exercise more
8. Find out about myself
9. Get my anger under control
10. Make Friends
11. Quite being antisocial
12. Keep my grades up. 
13. Practice guitar more
14. Find a style

Yeah so nothing to interesting, but I have a lot, hopefully I'll succeed in most. Take Care.