I Had A Scary Moment Today

So even though I was hungry and I had only  500 calories combined for breakfast and lunch, I was scared to eat a snack. Not just any snack, but a 90 calorie apple. I hate the fact that I think this much about food. I'm kept up at night worrying about what I'm going to eat tomorrow.
I'm refusing to relapse though, seriously going down that road would be so much harder then it is now. I'm going to keep pushing myself to develop healthy habits.

So Just A Few Confessions

-I binged on the remains of my birthday cake, a large Dairy Queen ice cream cake. There was about half of it left, I only ate about half on that half then realized what I was doing. So now there is a melted ice cream cake in a garbage bag in my room, I have no idea how to get rib of it with out my dad seeing.

-I re-made a tumblr thinspo blog. In January I swore I would never look at thinspo again, let along run a blog of it. I deleted it all off my flash drive, but now I'm back comparing myself to girls I know are unhealthy skinny.

-I feel like an attention whore, because I'm really lacking attention and hating it. This is where is gets self-centered, no one has taken the time out of there day to have a meaningful conversation in days. Not my parents, none of my friends, not even some random stranger.

-The day before I went to the amusement park, I cried for the first time in a long time about how fat I am. I ended up punching myself in the stomach so hard I left a bruise.

Well I haven't posted in awhile

The end of school got busy and those last few weeks were filled with wonders and terrors. I crashed a car because I passed out. Then that same night (mothers day) my mom confronted me about cutting and took away my knife. So I went two weeks cut free, until last night, because I'm living at my dad's now and I'm unhappy at my dads. Oh I also broke up with Keiran, but I don't care about that anymore I'm okay. So back to my living situation because this is going to be a huge part of my summer, my basically said I could live with here this summer then told me no the last day of school. I'm in a house where I can kill myself and no one would notice until house later, and I'm suicidal to the point of having it planned out. Oh what made it worse was my mom prancing around the last time she would see me in weeks literally say she wouldn't miss us. The cutting has been worse, more and deeper then ever before. I'm craving it. I only cut two little marks down my arms last night and all I could think about was doing it more.

But wait I have good news, Kayla (who I previously said I hated) is totally awesome. And I'm taking her to both a concert and to the amusement park, turns out it was just Sierra(who I previously said I wanted to be my friend again), who is a manipulative little creep, making her act weird.

What is Home?

Usually in the Summer we live with our dad, but I'm going to ask my mom if I can live with her this Summer. I use to think I got along better with my dad then I did with my mom but now its really equal, and I just hate living with either of them. I imagine everyday what it would be like to just go away, to live somewhere else with someone else. I know I couldn't live on my own, but I almost can't live with my parents. They'll yell at me for reasons that don't justify yelling. It makes me feel worthless, I am worthless.
I only speak to them when I need to, communicate through gestures if I can get away with it. I have come to the point where I am literally afraid to speak. This place scares me because it is seriously think no one would care if I died. It's hard not to act upon your suicidal intentions if you have no one to live for. I at least have one person who really supports me, someone I can tell anything. At least I have him, otherwise I have nothing.

I Broke Up With Him.

Not my boyfriend, but the guy I was baisically cheating on him with. The guy who talked me out of suicide twice, kept me cut free for 6 weeks, and was the only person I trusted compleatly. I love him, but I can't be with him for several reasons. I really don't know whats the point of living without him. I really hate myself for cheating on my boyfriend, but really nothing ever happened between us. We never even kissed, although I wish we could have. I'm a terrible person.

In the moment that you loes yourself, you wish that you were someone else.

I'm tired. My grades are bad. I almost have an F in Spanish. I really haven't eaten today, I'm just too stressed to eat. Prom is Saturday. I'm not excited for several reasons. I'm just tired.

I Hate Sundays, I Hate It Here.

Things have just been especially hard lately. We recently learned my grandpa has cancer and there is a good chance my mom may have cancer too. I'm extremely confused about a situation that I don't even feel comfortable writing about here. To top it all off, I'm thinking about suicide more seriously then I ever have before. This is a really scary time in my in my life. My family is on edge, I really hate it here and just want to escape. The fact is that I don't know if were moving anymore, that means I'm trapped. Trapped with people who I care about more then I care about them and that hurts, and each day its torture to face those people. I hate my school, I hate my home, I'm starting to hate my family. The emotion exhaustion I get from being around them is enough to make me think I'm going to die. I hate myself, because I'm weak. I can't face things, I hide. I push others away. Keiran: I've pushed him so far away. I cry everyday, I cry at school. No one sees, no one knows. I'm the master of hiding. The happy fake. I've only told two people that my mom may have cancer. For when you say those words, the idea becomes to real. I'm scared. I'm scared for her, I'm scared for me, I'm scared for us; as a family. Can we really stick together? Can we really support each other? These last few weeks I haven't seen it. I've seen me in my room; avoiding all contact, mom with her friends; pushing the thoughts from her mind, dad yelling in the kitchen; it strains us all, and my brothers in their childish worlds. We aren't together, we are in a house miles apart. I've always had hope, now I can't help but wonder why I have. Everything seems against me. I seem against me.

I Hate Me.

Why must you love me?
Why must you care?
Don't you realize your the only reason I haven't given up.
I hate myself, but you love me.
You make me love me.
But I hate me.
Your too good for me.
You don't know how pathetic I am.
Why didn't you leave when you still could have?
Your so willing to fight for me.
Conviced I'll make it through.
But what if I just give up hope?

Ships Are Sinking All Around Me

I'm starting to realize; that next year I'll most likely be in Arizona, that my friends and I have nothing to talk about anymore, that things are going to change. It's scary as all hell realizing this. 

I Hate My Friends

I seriously do, because they abounded me. They actually did. Sure they are here now, but they don't care about my problems or me. Really how can they feel like they are my friends when they don't even talk to me outside of school or know whats going on in my life outside of school? And they are so close it honestly tears me apart. That's how me and her use to be, but she doesn't call anymore because we have nothing to talk about. And she never comes over because I'm no fun. And she doesn't wait for me because she doesn't need me.
And I'm so jealous of the girl that she now calls her best friend, because I have to hear about their late night calls. And she tells her to text her anytime. And she calls her "her sister." And it makes me sick, and angry, and sad because it's hard to see some be there for someone else when they could be there for you.

It's Scary, Just Scary

On prettythin tonight there has been two suicide post from members that are pretty active. Both of them were asking for help but still. There has been so many suicide post on there that it really scares me and I want to help but I feel so helpless. Plus most of the time I can't even read the actually post because it triggers me and I'm in too fragile of a state to be trigger. And right now I really have nothing to live for so prettythin is my life. I can't imagine losing a member. I feel so helpless and worthless in these situations because really really I am, we all are. We can say whatever we want but if someone is that unhappy, they aren't going to be reasoned with. I promised myself that if I did ever commit suicide I wouldn't post anything online about it because I wouldn't want people to worry. I don't think I'm suicidal now but yesterday I realized I wouldn't care if I died. I can't imagine my future anymore, that's scary. I don't care about anything anymore. I still get hurt, I still feel and I still love but in the end I don't care about myself.

I'm Sorry Guys

I'm sorry I'm so depressing, I try to be happy but it's hard.

Hot Water

@Konrad, There is an 85% chance that we are moving to Arizona next Summer.

Speaking of the move I feel I should talk more about how I feel about it. Do I want to move? I feel as if I have no other option. We as a family have out grown this place but I was the first one to really get the small town blue. Moving to a bigger town seems so applealing: a new start, bigger school, and more people. But it seems so terrifying at the same time. I've lived in one place my whole life, and its been a place where everyone knows everyone and I never felt the need to impress anyone. But a new town, of course I'll want to impress people. Now don't tell me to just be myself because this small town has offered very few opportunities to let me figure out who I am. When people ask me simple questions about myself I could sit there for hours pondering the answer. I don't know who I am, I only have a loose idea of what I like, and my style is hindered by the fact that I can't get out of the house without feeling fat. I'm one of those people you could easily forget, if you even noticed me at all.

Suicide Dream

So I'm a pretty big fan of NBA basketball and the Boston Celtics are one of my favorite teams, well last night I dreamed that one of there star player had died tragically. Then out of his grief another one of the star players committed suicide and then the third of the "big three" wasn't able to handle it so he shot himself. Also the guitarist of my favorite band in this dream was shot down in an attempted murder but he lived. Really I don't know why I'm having dreams or thoughts of death, everything is going well so why is my mind haunted by these dark demons.

Death

I wonder how death feels
I wonder what it is like to be completely pain free-
Not to worry about eating or fat -
Or cuts or bleeding.
No Judgment.
No God.
No Devil
To be alone -
but complete.
Violence, anger.
Crying, sadness.
Laughing, happiness.
All gone.
Finally being empty-
And never craving full.
Every noise, every distraction-
Never to be heard again.
Wouldn't it be nice-
If we could all be dead.

No New Messages

Sometimes seeing no messages on the screen on your phone is the most painful thing in the world. Seeing that no one cares where you are or what your doing. Sure I'm fine, for now, but everyday I get closer to falling apart. I just want someone to talk to me like I don't need fixed, like I'm a person not some incompleat being. People have given up on me because they can't except that this is who I am.

Faking sick, thats what I'm doing today. I'm spending most of my day napping and jogging in place. My mom went through my drawers and found my knife, diet pills and a tape measure. Now I have to go to cousoling. I don't need fixed, I just need someone who understands. I use to have that but she faded away.

I'll fast today, but I had hot chocolate.

Noise

I hate unnecessary noise. Right now my dad has the TV turned way up and refuses to turn it down.

This week I went to the doctor because my parents rediscovered my cutting. He asked how I had been, I lied. He asked last time I cut, I lied. He asked if I was eating enough, I lied. Basically I had to lie about everything and basically I don't think he believed me. He said that I needed to tell him what was going on so he could help me, but that's just the problem. I don't want help. I want to cut and starve. I want to handle my feelings the way I know how. I don't care if its unhealthy or unsafe, its my life and I really don't want to be living it anyway.

I Thought I was Going To Die Last Night

Last night I was having horrible chest pains, and really thought it might be the end of me. This week I've lost too much weight, but of course it isn't enough, really have got much sleep and cried more then I've cried in a long time. If last night was the end of me I don't think I would have cared much.

I Need Out

Today in science Kayla said "Sierra I would cry so much if you move away" and then added in a less enthused voice "...oh and lex too." This is when I realized these two, no matter how much they may act like it, really don't care about me. I need out of my school because no one likes me here and I need a second chance. I'm going to talk to my parents about it either at Christmas break or towards the end of the school year. I can't even make it through school without wanting to call one of my parents to come and get me, I that miserable right now. And home is not any better. Eating is not on my mind right now, because huger pains don't even compare to what I'm feeling right now. Life is like running on a hamster wheel, I do the same basic things ever day. I need a change, for my sanity, for my life.

Thanks For Caring...

At parent teacher conferences my supernatant informed my dad that one of my friend's parents were concerned about me cutting and burning. My mom told me this morning that I would be going and talking to my doctor about this and that he could tell by my school pictures that I had started again. This lead to me crying, and after stopping and reapplying my make-up mom came in and said "I tried, but I can't make you stop." Which lead to me crying again. I told Kayla and Sierra this at school and got a kind of "well sucks too be you reaction" so that lead to me feeling like crap. And to top it off Keiran tells me he got a girl pregnant at his other school.  Last period of the day I was so done, not only with school but with life in general. Nothing is going right. I have no one to confide in and only Brandon really cares about me. I just want to die, because right now I'm just a joke.