I Had A Scary Moment Today

So even though I was hungry and I had only  500 calories combined for breakfast and lunch, I was scared to eat a snack. Not just any snack, but a 90 calorie apple. I hate the fact that I think this much about food. I'm kept up at night worrying about what I'm going to eat tomorrow.
I'm refusing to relapse though, seriously going down that road would be so much harder then it is now. I'm going to keep pushing myself to develop healthy habits.

I'm Amazed I'm Still Eating.

I lowered my calorie limit by a hundred calories and switched to caloriecount.com so I could see my defict. That defict is so triggering to me. Its makes me want to not eat. I just keep staring at it. I'm still eating a healthy amount of calories, but I'm starting to think more about restricting again. Maybe I have more of a problem them I thought, but I'm still eating, so I can't be too be too sick.

So Just A Few Confessions

-I binged on the remains of my birthday cake, a large Dairy Queen ice cream cake. There was about half of it left, I only ate about half on that half then realized what I was doing. So now there is a melted ice cream cake in a garbage bag in my room, I have no idea how to get rib of it with out my dad seeing.

-I re-made a tumblr thinspo blog. In January I swore I would never look at thinspo again, let along run a blog of it. I deleted it all off my flash drive, but now I'm back comparing myself to girls I know are unhealthy skinny.

-I feel like an attention whore, because I'm really lacking attention and hating it. This is where is gets self-centered, no one has taken the time out of there day to have a meaningful conversation in days. Not my parents, none of my friends, not even some random stranger.

-The day before I went to the amusement park, I cried for the first time in a long time about how fat I am. I ended up punching myself in the stomach so hard I left a bruise.

No Plans

So yesterday I went to the amusment park with Kayla, and we ran into her ex boyfriend and his aunt. They ended up hanging out with us all day. It was still fun, I mean at least he is cool and pretty funny so it could have been worse. I ate too much at dinner though, I was trying to jusify it because I hadn't eaten all day and we walked alot, but I was full mid way through and I kept eating. I'm trying not to think about it.

In the moment that you loes yourself, you wish that you were someone else.

I'm tired. My grades are bad. I almost have an F in Spanish. I really haven't eaten today, I'm just too stressed to eat. Prom is Saturday. I'm not excited for several reasons. I'm just tired.

So Far So Good

The New Year has been so busy and stressful but I can't think of a year in my life the wasn't, so besides for that things haven been going pretty well. I hate not having a study hall in the morning anymore, it means I actually have to do my homework. I actually hate school, more like I hate classes and working I like the social interaction. I like English though. Brandon is acting depressing and I feel bad because I'm not being the normal comforting Lexi I usually am but I've been in such a good mood lately I get kind of pissed when people bring me down. I've sort of realized that no matter what I will always see myself as ugly and fat, I though this realization would send me spiraling into depressing but it hasn't. Really it felt more like I had discovered a part of me that I had been missing for a long time. That's sad. So far my biggest self discovery is that I will always hate myself.

Death

I wonder how death feels
I wonder what it is like to be completely pain free-
Not to worry about eating or fat -
Or cuts or bleeding.
No Judgment.
No God.
No Devil
To be alone -
but complete.
Violence, anger.
Crying, sadness.
Laughing, happiness.
All gone.
Finally being empty-
And never craving full.
Every noise, every distraction-
Never to be heard again.
Wouldn't it be nice-
If we could all be dead.

Noise

I hate unnecessary noise. Right now my dad has the TV turned way up and refuses to turn it down.

This week I went to the doctor because my parents rediscovered my cutting. He asked how I had been, I lied. He asked last time I cut, I lied. He asked if I was eating enough, I lied. Basically I had to lie about everything and basically I don't think he believed me. He said that I needed to tell him what was going on so he could help me, but that's just the problem. I don't want help. I want to cut and starve. I want to handle my feelings the way I know how. I don't care if its unhealthy or unsafe, its my life and I really don't want to be living it anyway.

I Need Out

Today in science Kayla said "Sierra I would cry so much if you move away" and then added in a less enthused voice "...oh and lex too." This is when I realized these two, no matter how much they may act like it, really don't care about me. I need out of my school because no one likes me here and I need a second chance. I'm going to talk to my parents about it either at Christmas break or towards the end of the school year. I can't even make it through school without wanting to call one of my parents to come and get me, I that miserable right now. And home is not any better. Eating is not on my mind right now, because huger pains don't even compare to what I'm feeling right now. Life is like running on a hamster wheel, I do the same basic things ever day. I need a change, for my sanity, for my life.

So This is That Awkward Intro Everyone Has to Make

Well I'm Lexi. I'm 15, but have been told I act both younger and older then that, so my age really shouldn't matter. Really half the time I can't remember what age I am anyway. As a teenage girl I am under constant pressure to fit this stereotype, of young, peppy, overly happy, and of course skinny. But being the person I am I really only care to be skinny, fuck peppy and overly happy. Fat is my greatest fear, I was a fat baby, a fat child and a fat pre-teen. I do not want to be a fat teenager, and this fear of fat and hate of my body has lead me into a life of what some would call EDNOS, or eating disorder not otherwise specified. But I don't want this blog to just be about my eating disorder, I want it to be about my life, but seeing how much of my life is controlled by my eating disorder it seems unfair to not mention it. Really though, there is more to my life then my eating disorder. I love music especially rock, Nirvana is my favorite band ever and I am obsessed with Kurt Cobain. I'm learning to play the guitar and it on of the few things I really enjoy. Photography is my passion, my dream job is to be a photographer. Well thats about it for now I'm sure as you read my blog, I will revel more about myself.
Lots of Love
Lexi.