Things realized tonight

• Parents aren't concerned about me cutting just how it reflects on them
• Parents are disappointed I'm not the perfect daughter who can wear short sleeves without people staring at my arms
• Being disrepectful is more of a concern to my parents then me cutting
• I'll never be 100% confortable with physical contact
• I only feel some what pretty with my hair done and full make-up
• I truely dislike my parents

The Sun Shines Through the Strom

Today was actually pleasent. I had the radio on and was dancing, most of the day. Kayla called we talked for a bit, she invited me to camp with her this weekend but I don't think I'll be able to because Monday is my birthday and I have previous arrangments with my cousin. I was having a great day until my dad came home and turned off the radio. Then mom didn't come out like she was suppose to, and dad and I got into a fight. This is the 3rd day in a row I've cut.

Today was actually one of the first good days I've had since Summer started.

Well I haven't posted in awhile

The end of school got busy and those last few weeks were filled with wonders and terrors. I crashed a car because I passed out. Then that same night (mothers day) my mom confronted me about cutting and took away my knife. So I went two weeks cut free, until last night, because I'm living at my dad's now and I'm unhappy at my dads. Oh I also broke up with Keiran, but I don't care about that anymore I'm okay. So back to my living situation because this is going to be a huge part of my summer, my basically said I could live with here this summer then told me no the last day of school. I'm in a house where I can kill myself and no one would notice until house later, and I'm suicidal to the point of having it planned out. Oh what made it worse was my mom prancing around the last time she would see me in weeks literally say she wouldn't miss us. The cutting has been worse, more and deeper then ever before. I'm craving it. I only cut two little marks down my arms last night and all I could think about was doing it more.

But wait I have good news, Kayla (who I previously said I hated) is totally awesome. And I'm taking her to both a concert and to the amusement park, turns out it was just Sierra(who I previously said I wanted to be my friend again), who is a manipulative little creep, making her act weird.

The Butterfly Effect Can Work in Negative Ways

Last night someone decided it would be funny to hack into my facebook and activate a virus that caused my computer to crash when I logged on to my account. Little did this person know that I was logging on because facebook is the only way on the weekends I can talk to my boyfriend, and I was going to talk to my boyfriend because I was suicidal. Little did they know that the hilarious act of causing my computer to crash would cause me to snap, cause me to place my two hands around my neck and chock myself till I passed out. Little did they know that when I came to I would start cutting myself, then punching myself. Little did they know it too ever once of strange I had not to end my life last night.

If anyone read this I'm guess I'm writing this to tell you please don't be stupid. The world is a sensitive place, every insult we throw out, every mean prank we play we arewalking on thin ice in the middle of spring. I doubt this person wanted to be part of the reason I ended my life, they just wanted to have a good laugh, it was a joke gone to far. Those are dangerous things

I haven't updated in forever.

I hate my noes.

I think this photo is my favorite

Love my nails

You can see the scars/cuts on my legs.

  

I really like the feather in my hair, and this right now is my favorite necklace. 

Prom is next week, I hope my dress covers up my fresh cuts or mom will flip.

Noise

I hate unnecessary noise. Right now my dad has the TV turned way up and refuses to turn it down.

This week I went to the doctor because my parents rediscovered my cutting. He asked how I had been, I lied. He asked last time I cut, I lied. He asked if I was eating enough, I lied. Basically I had to lie about everything and basically I don't think he believed me. He said that I needed to tell him what was going on so he could help me, but that's just the problem. I don't want help. I want to cut and starve. I want to handle my feelings the way I know how. I don't care if its unhealthy or unsafe, its my life and I really don't want to be living it anyway.