I'm Never Going To Talk To Him Again

I told him I couldn't
He is defriended
Deleted
Out.
I miss him
Things should have ended better
I can't regret the past.

The Sun Shines Through the Strom

Today was actually pleasent. I had the radio on and was dancing, most of the day. Kayla called we talked for a bit, she invited me to camp with her this weekend but I don't think I'll be able to because Monday is my birthday and I have previous arrangments with my cousin. I was having a great day until my dad came home and turned off the radio. Then mom didn't come out like she was suppose to, and dad and I got into a fight. This is the 3rd day in a row I've cut.

Today was actually one of the first good days I've had since Summer started.

I Can't Even Say His Name

(Note this can be read three ways, the regular font words tell in the most straight forward way whats going on right now, the italic words are more of how I feel, and together they tell the full story.)

He stopped talking to me, and I want to message him back but I'm trying not too.
I shouldn't even be talking to him
I keep telling myself he is controlling, he hurts me, he is trying to trap me.
I need to be free
Remember when he blamed me for everything, remember how bad I cut.
I know he causes pain
Its hard because he has been there for me, he listened when no one else would
I shouldn't have told him anything
I love him, I probably always will, losing him scares me.
I can't even say his name

I Broke Up With Him.

Not my boyfriend, but the guy I was baisically cheating on him with. The guy who talked me out of suicide twice, kept me cut free for 6 weeks, and was the only person I trusted compleatly. I love him, but I can't be with him for several reasons. I really don't know whats the point of living without him. I really hate myself for cheating on my boyfriend, but really nothing ever happened between us. We never even kissed, although I wish we could have. I'm a terrible person.

Valentine's Dance

The Dance is tonight, I'm actually nervous. Like the excited butterflies nervous. I need to repaint my nails and curl my hair. Most of my homework is already done. This is so strange. Kayla is taking me home so I don't have to worry about the awkward moment where we want to kiss goodnight, but my parents are right there. haha. At least that's good. Wow the more I think about it the more nervous I get. I need to stop thinking...

So Prom Planning Begins

Keiran asked me to prm today. Not only did he ask me but one of my friends caught it on video. He wasn't going to ask me, the asshole he just assumed we were going, but I forgave him, quick quickly. My friends have started harrassing him about when he is going to ask me out because we call each other our life partners all the time now. But now I can actually be excited for prom. I want to go shopping now!

The Days That Make Everything Better

Today was amazing and exactly what I need after feeling so down this weekend. My friends and I started out the day just hysterically laughing in the hallway over nothing significant. Then Keiran always makes my day better. He said he would be my life partner and that I  had to call him everyday if I moved to Arizona and face chat him.  Really we have that type of relationship going on where I think he likes me and I like him and I think he knows that but we don't advance for fear that the other one doesn't have the same feelings. Everyone knows it, we flirt all the time, and I'm sure some people are like "Ahh how sweet," and others just find it sickening. But when I'm with him I feel comfortable. I'm really hoping he asks me to prom again. Last year we went but I didn't really think much of it because I didn't really like him like I do no.

Today, I did crap.

So today was awesome. I went into town to go wrap gifts for a FBLA benefit. Well all the members of FBLA signed up for three hour sifts. Well with me for my sift was; Keiran, Kayla, Sierra, Holly, Jay and Kelly. Jay is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet and I use to have a bit of a crush on him but thats not the point, basically I worked my sift with fun people (except Kelly I don't really like her but at least she is quiet.) Keiran wasn't even suppose to work that sift but his brother left him so he asked me to drop him off at the school on the way home. So I expected to be swamped the whole day but it really wasn't that busy, I think I only wrapped five gifts. That meant we spent most of the three hours just hanging out and swapping stories. It was nice. When my dad came to pick me up I explained Kieran's predicament to him and he agreed to drop Kieran off at the school. So I spent an extra half hour just talking to Kieran, and I mean just easy conversion talking. Really I hated when that car ride came to an end, I actually wished that it would be okay for a girl to walk a guy into somewhere because I really wanted to spend an extra few seconds with him. God what wrong with me? So them my dad and I still had another half hour to ride to get home, it was sort of awkward because he just dropped of the guy that I so obviously like. But then we came to this object lying in the middle of the road and we actually stopped the car and got out to see what it was. So me and my dad are standing outside in 21 degree weather in complete darkness to go examine what turns out to be a towel, haha. I wish I could have more days like this, I mean I felt great. My confidence was higher then its been in a long time too.

Stress is my life.

148 lbs. Gross. Wth? Seriously, I know why I weight that, stress. Why am I stressed? My friends act like they don't even like me. I'm not sure if Keiran likes me and there is one of those dances where the girl has to ask the guy coming up. The last two days I've gone to school and cried and no one has noticed. I'm tired, I hate myself, and my life. This town and my school is going to kill me. I need to talk to someone and no one is here. Fuck I'm crying now....

Crushes are Scarier then Monsters

So Keiran, the guy I have a crush on, came back Tuesday. So he comes back and he acts like he owns the joint and I'm like this isn't going to fly, so later in science he kept trying to get my answers to the homework assignment. Well I wouldn't let him see it and he say "Lexi from last year would have let me see her's." and so I go "Well Lexi from last year died and went to hell and sold her soul to the devil" I think this is when he relized that I'm not the same person at all and he kind of likes this new person. But of course we fight like "an old married couple" as my friend put it and we argue in every single class. And really he is getting so much crap for liking me and I guess you can say he even admitted it, when someone asked if he liked me he said sure. I think our class is starting to hate us but our arguments make our day. Seriously we are flirting so hardcore that I'm surprised that none of our teachers have opened their mouths, but whatever this is the best I've felt since I went to the concert with him. He makes me feel like I have nothing to worry about like we together are untouchable. And it may be a bit stupid to think that but really right now I'm just so happy he is back I could really care less. Oh suppose to be a Halloween post too because we got to dress up in our costumes for school, but I got sidetracked.... (:

This is a Fricken Happy Post! :D

 Yeah thats right HAPPY! Like seriously rainbows, sunshine and all that shit. Okay so my crush from last year moved away  :( but he's coming back!! Like we went out a couple of times and if I wasn't worried about the distant I have a feeling we would have went out. So now I'm 14 pounds lighter then the last time he saw me and I have new motivation to lose more. Really I haven't been this happy, excited, and hopeful in forever. And he is a great guy, he'll stand up for me. I mean he's an ass but he's makes everyone so everyone forgives him. Really I know its stupid to get my hopes up when I haven't even seen him since the middle of summer, but I don't know....I can't help it.