Strange Family isn't Always a Bad Thing.

So yesterday I hung out with my cousins and we went to garage sales. We ended up buying three plastic crosses at a Church garage sale because the preacher gave a dollar to buy something. So we  wrote “You Just Got Saved” on them and throwing them into peoples open car windows. It was crazy haha. Then we somehow ended up at the Virgin Mary shrine and took a bunch of photos there.
After that we picked up our younger cousin, whose family is way to harsh on her, and took her bowling. Note: we all suck at bowling! I did end up winning one game, with the high score of 87. I ended up spending the night in town and we played Sardines, which is hide in go seek except one person hides and once you find them you hide with them. The whole day was great.
Elitches is in 3 days, I'm so excited to see Kayla! I really miss her. My weigh in is tomorrow, I was suppose to be down two pounds, I have a feeling I'm only going to be down one which is frusterating but I did eat like crap so I should just be glad I didn't gain.

It's my Birthday

I'm going shopping with my mom, not sure how excited I am about this. Oh well next week I actually get to go with my friends to the amusment park.

Things realized tonight

• Parents aren't concerned about me cutting just how it reflects on them
• Parents are disappointed I'm not the perfect daughter who can wear short sleeves without people staring at my arms
• Being disrepectful is more of a concern to my parents then me cutting
• I'll never be 100% confortable with physical contact
• I only feel some what pretty with my hair done and full make-up
• I truely dislike my parents

The Sun Shines Through the Strom

Today was actually pleasent. I had the radio on and was dancing, most of the day. Kayla called we talked for a bit, she invited me to camp with her this weekend but I don't think I'll be able to because Monday is my birthday and I have previous arrangments with my cousin. I was having a great day until my dad came home and turned off the radio. Then mom didn't come out like she was suppose to, and dad and I got into a fight. This is the 3rd day in a row I've cut.

Today was actually one of the first good days I've had since Summer started.

This is going to be my Year!

So far this year has royally sucked! I've been to IP, I've recovered then relapsed, started self harming again, and even ended up in the hospital about a few weeks back for a suicide attempt, but things are actually getting better now. I'm more social then I think I've ever been, my grades have improved and my relationship with my parents is mending. Plus my mom is taking me to New Orleans for my 16th birthday, I'm going to see Motley Crue in July and I'm probably going to take some collage class this summer. For the first time in a long time I'm glad I'm alive, glad I didn't die. I'm looking forward to things, not looking critically at myself.

I Hate Sundays, I Hate It Here.

Things have just been especially hard lately. We recently learned my grandpa has cancer and there is a good chance my mom may have cancer too. I'm extremely confused about a situation that I don't even feel comfortable writing about here. To top it all off, I'm thinking about suicide more seriously then I ever have before. This is a really scary time in my in my life. My family is on edge, I really hate it here and just want to escape. The fact is that I don't know if were moving anymore, that means I'm trapped. Trapped with people who I care about more then I care about them and that hurts, and each day its torture to face those people. I hate my school, I hate my home, I'm starting to hate my family. The emotion exhaustion I get from being around them is enough to make me think I'm going to die. I hate myself, because I'm weak. I can't face things, I hide. I push others away. Keiran: I've pushed him so far away. I cry everyday, I cry at school. No one sees, no one knows. I'm the master of hiding. The happy fake. I've only told two people that my mom may have cancer. For when you say those words, the idea becomes to real. I'm scared. I'm scared for her, I'm scared for me, I'm scared for us; as a family. Can we really stick together? Can we really support each other? These last few weeks I haven't seen it. I've seen me in my room; avoiding all contact, mom with her friends; pushing the thoughts from her mind, dad yelling in the kitchen; it strains us all, and my brothers in their childish worlds. We aren't together, we are in a house miles apart. I've always had hope, now I can't help but wonder why I have. Everything seems against me. I seem against me.

Ships Are Sinking All Around Me

I'm starting to realize; that next year I'll most likely be in Arizona, that my friends and I have nothing to talk about anymore, that things are going to change. It's scary as all hell realizing this. 

Tick Tock, Your On the Clock

I really need to tell my dad that I don't want to take gutiar lessons anymore. I have like zero courage to do so...But I need to do it today.

Anyone in the Mood for Random Thoughts?

Billy Talent is going to be big, he reminds me of the Sex Pistols but not enough where I think he is just ripping them off. I plan on spending my entire 50$ itunes gift card asap.
Sex Ain't Love just came on and I shouted "I love this song." My dad is personally thinking he failed as a parent now.
I Fucking Love Shinedown! Need the CD!
Rob Zombie is hot! Like seriously.....I would...nevermind.
I don't want to do that stupid class thing today! Espescally since I have to work with Kayla. She pisses me off. Bitch. Oh well, I might get to see Keiran.
Shit my internet crashed.
I think I might get this dress for prom!

 

Go Green! haha
IDEK.

Shit Matters

I know it does.
But I don't care.
I've lost motivation.
My friends think I'm a bitch.
I just want to be alone.
But I want to be happy.
I try to be happy.
And I usually am okay during school.
But when I get home, I realized
How lonely I really am.
And how scared I am.
And how I just don't want to deal with this anymore.

I Lost My Future

Yesterday mom was really crabby and making everyone around her as miserable as she was, well after making me cry three times, calling me worthless, and grounding me for nothing, she told me I have no collage savings. None. My dad spent it all. This caused me to go into a meltdown and I ended up crying in the laundry room for an hour. Already I have been confused about what I was going to do with my life after high school, but now I don't even what to think about it. Collage is expensive, and I'm to stupid to get a scholarship. Plus I don't even know what I would be going to collage for anyway. Basically last night I realized all of this, with that I'm done trying. If I'm going to have a crappy life anyway, why should I work hard now? I have so much I'd rather be doing. I'll most likely kill myself before the age of thirty anyway. School really isn't going to make a difference in my life. I'm done. My future is hopeless.

My Mom Will be the Death of Me

I answer the phone and it's her on the other line, she asked what I was doing and as always I say nothing. Her exact quote, "Nothing, that doesn't sound very healthy, go do 40 laps around the house." Then I hand the phone to my dad and he gets mad because she was still speaking to me, I  seriously want out of this house. I'm so sick of everyone mocking me and my disorders. It really is no wonder I feel worthless and really just want to die.

"I don't expect it to be easy, but then nothing ever is." ~ Rob Long

Yesterday hung out with my cousin. It was fun. We played catchphrase with two of my aunts and watched Knight and Day. I stayed overnight, we were at my grandma's house, but she had to go because the roads where suppose to be bad in the morning. It snowed, well its still snowing. I'm glad, I've missed the snow. Tomorrow I'm going to a friends house for New years so this is probably the last time this year I'll be writing. Hope you all have a Happy New Years.

Your not weak, your human and your fragile.

 @wj89- Thank you for your comment I really appreciated it. No ever since my mom picked up a second job our family doesn't spend much time together.

"Your not weak, your human and your fragile." I just told someone on PT this, and I wish I could believe the same thing about myself. I feel fat, hideous and unhappy. Actually lately when I've been alone I've always felt unhappy. I'm fine when I'm around other people but alone I feel...abandoned. I'll have to talk to my theripist about this next time I see him but that might be a while away.

Today I went to my Aunt's house where all my little cousins where spending the day. My 11 year old cousin took me out on his go kart that he got for Christmas. I'm usually scared of that type of thing but it was fun. When I spun his sister and my other young cousin around he asked if I could spin him. I asked If he had a girlfriend and he said yeah and "I said I don't pick up guys with girlfriends."  Then after lunch I mainly just hung out with my aunt, it's actually nice to talk to someone. It was actually a good day.

Hot Water

@Konrad, There is an 85% chance that we are moving to Arizona next Summer.

Speaking of the move I feel I should talk more about how I feel about it. Do I want to move? I feel as if I have no other option. We as a family have out grown this place but I was the first one to really get the small town blue. Moving to a bigger town seems so applealing: a new start, bigger school, and more people. But it seems so terrifying at the same time. I've lived in one place my whole life, and its been a place where everyone knows everyone and I never felt the need to impress anyone. But a new town, of course I'll want to impress people. Now don't tell me to just be myself because this small town has offered very few opportunities to let me figure out who I am. When people ask me simple questions about myself I could sit there for hours pondering the answer. I don't know who I am, I only have a loose idea of what I like, and my style is hindered by the fact that I can't get out of the house without feeling fat. I'm one of those people you could easily forget, if you even noticed me at all.

Today, I did crap.

So today was awesome. I went into town to go wrap gifts for a FBLA benefit. Well all the members of FBLA signed up for three hour sifts. Well with me for my sift was; Keiran, Kayla, Sierra, Holly, Jay and Kelly. Jay is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet and I use to have a bit of a crush on him but thats not the point, basically I worked my sift with fun people (except Kelly I don't really like her but at least she is quiet.) Keiran wasn't even suppose to work that sift but his brother left him so he asked me to drop him off at the school on the way home. So I expected to be swamped the whole day but it really wasn't that busy, I think I only wrapped five gifts. That meant we spent most of the three hours just hanging out and swapping stories. It was nice. When my dad came to pick me up I explained Kieran's predicament to him and he agreed to drop Kieran off at the school. So I spent an extra half hour just talking to Kieran, and I mean just easy conversion talking. Really I hated when that car ride came to an end, I actually wished that it would be okay for a girl to walk a guy into somewhere because I really wanted to spend an extra few seconds with him. God what wrong with me? So them my dad and I still had another half hour to ride to get home, it was sort of awkward because he just dropped of the guy that I so obviously like. But then we came to this object lying in the middle of the road and we actually stopped the car and got out to see what it was. So me and my dad are standing outside in 21 degree weather in complete darkness to go examine what turns out to be a towel, haha. I wish I could have more days like this, I mean I felt great. My confidence was higher then its been in a long time too.