May 11, 1995 - August 10, 2011

I Had A Scary Moment Today

So even though I was hungry and I had only  500 calories combined for breakfast and lunch, I was scared to eat a snack. Not just any snack, but a 90 calorie apple. I hate the fact that I think this much about food. I'm kept up at night worrying about what I'm going to eat tomorrow.
I'm refusing to relapse though, seriously going down that road would be so much harder then it is now. I'm going to keep pushing myself to develop healthy habits.

I'm Amazed I'm Still Eating.

I lowered my calorie limit by a hundred calories and switched to caloriecount.com so I could see my defict. That defict is so triggering to me. Its makes me want to not eat. I just keep staring at it. I'm still eating a healthy amount of calories, but I'm starting to think more about restricting again. Maybe I have more of a problem them I thought, but I'm still eating, so I can't be too be too sick.

So Just A Few Confessions

-I binged on the remains of my birthday cake, a large Dairy Queen ice cream cake. There was about half of it left, I only ate about half on that half then realized what I was doing. So now there is a melted ice cream cake in a garbage bag in my room, I have no idea how to get rib of it with out my dad seeing.

-I re-made a tumblr thinspo blog. In January I swore I would never look at thinspo again, let along run a blog of it. I deleted it all off my flash drive, but now I'm back comparing myself to girls I know are unhealthy skinny.

-I feel like an attention whore, because I'm really lacking attention and hating it. This is where is gets self-centered, no one has taken the time out of there day to have a meaningful conversation in days. Not my parents, none of my friends, not even some random stranger.

-The day before I went to the amusement park, I cried for the first time in a long time about how fat I am. I ended up punching myself in the stomach so hard I left a bruise.

No Plans

So yesterday I went to the amusment park with Kayla, and we ran into her ex boyfriend and his aunt. They ended up hanging out with us all day. It was still fun, I mean at least he is cool and pretty funny so it could have been worse. I ate too much at dinner though, I was trying to jusify it because I hadn't eaten all day and we walked alot, but I was full mid way through and I kept eating. I'm trying not to think about it.

Strange Family isn't Always a Bad Thing.

So yesterday I hung out with my cousins and we went to garage sales. We ended up buying three plastic crosses at a Church garage sale because the preacher gave a dollar to buy something. So we  wrote “You Just Got Saved” on them and throwing them into peoples open car windows. It was crazy haha. Then we somehow ended up at the Virgin Mary shrine and took a bunch of photos there.
After that we picked up our younger cousin, whose family is way to harsh on her, and took her bowling. Note: we all suck at bowling! I did end up winning one game, with the high score of 87. I ended up spending the night in town and we played Sardines, which is hide in go seek except one person hides and once you find them you hide with them. The whole day was great.
Elitches is in 3 days, I'm so excited to see Kayla! I really miss her. My weigh in is tomorrow, I was suppose to be down two pounds, I have a feeling I'm only going to be down one which is frusterating but I did eat like crap so I should just be glad I didn't gain.

It's my Birthday

I'm going shopping with my mom, not sure how excited I am about this. Oh well next week I actually get to go with my friends to the amusment park.

I'm Never Going To Talk To Him Again

I told him I couldn't
He is defriended
Deleted
Out.
I miss him
Things should have ended better
I can't regret the past.

Things realized tonight

• Parents aren't concerned about me cutting just how it reflects on them
• Parents are disappointed I'm not the perfect daughter who can wear short sleeves without people staring at my arms
• Being disrepectful is more of a concern to my parents then me cutting
• I'll never be 100% confortable with physical contact
• I only feel some what pretty with my hair done and full make-up
• I truely dislike my parents

The Sun Shines Through the Strom

Today was actually pleasent. I had the radio on and was dancing, most of the day. Kayla called we talked for a bit, she invited me to camp with her this weekend but I don't think I'll be able to because Monday is my birthday and I have previous arrangments with my cousin. I was having a great day until my dad came home and turned off the radio. Then mom didn't come out like she was suppose to, and dad and I got into a fight. This is the 3rd day in a row I've cut.

Today was actually one of the first good days I've had since Summer started.

I Can't Even Say His Name

(Note this can be read three ways, the regular font words tell in the most straight forward way whats going on right now, the italic words are more of how I feel, and together they tell the full story.)

He stopped talking to me, and I want to message him back but I'm trying not too.
I shouldn't even be talking to him
I keep telling myself he is controlling, he hurts me, he is trying to trap me.
I need to be free
Remember when he blamed me for everything, remember how bad I cut.
I know he causes pain
Its hard because he has been there for me, he listened when no one else would
I shouldn't have told him anything
I love him, I probably always will, losing him scares me.
I can't even say his name

Well I haven't posted in awhile

The end of school got busy and those last few weeks were filled with wonders and terrors. I crashed a car because I passed out. Then that same night (mothers day) my mom confronted me about cutting and took away my knife. So I went two weeks cut free, until last night, because I'm living at my dad's now and I'm unhappy at my dads. Oh I also broke up with Keiran, but I don't care about that anymore I'm okay. So back to my living situation because this is going to be a huge part of my summer, my basically said I could live with here this summer then told me no the last day of school. I'm in a house where I can kill myself and no one would notice until house later, and I'm suicidal to the point of having it planned out. Oh what made it worse was my mom prancing around the last time she would see me in weeks literally say she wouldn't miss us. The cutting has been worse, more and deeper then ever before. I'm craving it. I only cut two little marks down my arms last night and all I could think about was doing it more.

But wait I have good news, Kayla (who I previously said I hated) is totally awesome. And I'm taking her to both a concert and to the amusement park, turns out it was just Sierra(who I previously said I wanted to be my friend again), who is a manipulative little creep, making her act weird.

This is going to be my Year!

So far this year has royally sucked! I've been to IP, I've recovered then relapsed, started self harming again, and even ended up in the hospital about a few weeks back for a suicide attempt, but things are actually getting better now. I'm more social then I think I've ever been, my grades have improved and my relationship with my parents is mending. Plus my mom is taking me to New Orleans for my 16th birthday, I'm going to see Motley Crue in July and I'm probably going to take some collage class this summer. For the first time in a long time I'm glad I'm alive, glad I didn't die. I'm looking forward to things, not looking critically at myself.

The Butterfly Effect Can Work in Negative Ways

Last night someone decided it would be funny to hack into my facebook and activate a virus that caused my computer to crash when I logged on to my account. Little did this person know that I was logging on because facebook is the only way on the weekends I can talk to my boyfriend, and I was going to talk to my boyfriend because I was suicidal. Little did they know that the hilarious act of causing my computer to crash would cause me to snap, cause me to place my two hands around my neck and chock myself till I passed out. Little did they know that when I came to I would start cutting myself, then punching myself. Little did they know it too ever once of strange I had not to end my life last night.

If anyone read this I'm guess I'm writing this to tell you please don't be stupid. The world is a sensitive place, every insult we throw out, every mean prank we play we arewalking on thin ice in the middle of spring. I doubt this person wanted to be part of the reason I ended my life, they just wanted to have a good laugh, it was a joke gone to far. Those are dangerous things

What is Home?

Usually in the Summer we live with our dad, but I'm going to ask my mom if I can live with her this Summer. I use to think I got along better with my dad then I did with my mom but now its really equal, and I just hate living with either of them. I imagine everyday what it would be like to just go away, to live somewhere else with someone else. I know I couldn't live on my own, but I almost can't live with my parents. They'll yell at me for reasons that don't justify yelling. It makes me feel worthless, I am worthless.
I only speak to them when I need to, communicate through gestures if I can get away with it. I have come to the point where I am literally afraid to speak. This place scares me because it is seriously think no one would care if I died. It's hard not to act upon your suicidal intentions if you have no one to live for. I at least have one person who really supports me, someone I can tell anything. At least I have him, otherwise I have nothing.

.

I'm swamped with homework, and I leave for Vail Sunday.
My computer mouse barely works and I have to do a research paper outline.
I hate today.

I Broke Up With Him.

Not my boyfriend, but the guy I was baisically cheating on him with. The guy who talked me out of suicide twice, kept me cut free for 6 weeks, and was the only person I trusted compleatly. I love him, but I can't be with him for several reasons. I really don't know whats the point of living without him. I really hate myself for cheating on my boyfriend, but really nothing ever happened between us. We never even kissed, although I wish we could have. I'm a terrible person.

Prom was yesterday

Prom was fun
Prom was a chance to show my friends I do really care about them
Prom was a chance to give Keiran a second chance
Prom was a confidene lower
Prom is something I don't want to talk about
Prom is the last thng on my mind today.

Saving Myself

I hope someday, I will save myself.
I will be able to find a way past all the barriers and become free to a world unseen.
Someday I will find escape, but  tonight it doesn't seem possible.
For tonight the walls are closing in as I begin to scream

In the moment that you loes yourself, you wish that you were someone else.

I'm tired. My grades are bad. I almost have an F in Spanish. I really haven't eaten today, I'm just too stressed to eat. Prom is Saturday. I'm not excited for several reasons. I'm just tired.