May 11, 1995 - August 10, 2011

I Had A Scary Moment Today

So even though I was hungry and I had only  500 calories combined for breakfast and lunch, I was scared to eat a snack. Not just any snack, but a 90 calorie apple. I hate the fact that I think this much about food. I'm kept up at night worrying about what I'm going to eat tomorrow.
I'm refusing to relapse though, seriously going down that road would be so much harder then it is now. I'm going to keep pushing myself to develop healthy habits.

I'm Amazed I'm Still Eating.

I lowered my calorie limit by a hundred calories and switched to caloriecount.com so I could see my defict. That defict is so triggering to me. Its makes me want to not eat. I just keep staring at it. I'm still eating a healthy amount of calories, but I'm starting to think more about restricting again. Maybe I have more of a problem them I thought, but I'm still eating, so I can't be too be too sick.

So Just A Few Confessions

-I binged on the remains of my birthday cake, a large Dairy Queen ice cream cake. There was about half of it left, I only ate about half on that half then realized what I was doing. So now there is a melted ice cream cake in a garbage bag in my room, I have no idea how to get rib of it with out my dad seeing.

-I re-made a tumblr thinspo blog. In January I swore I would never look at thinspo again, let along run a blog of it. I deleted it all off my flash drive, but now I'm back comparing myself to girls I know are unhealthy skinny.

-I feel like an attention whore, because I'm really lacking attention and hating it. This is where is gets self-centered, no one has taken the time out of there day to have a meaningful conversation in days. Not my parents, none of my friends, not even some random stranger.

-The day before I went to the amusement park, I cried for the first time in a long time about how fat I am. I ended up punching myself in the stomach so hard I left a bruise.

No Plans

So yesterday I went to the amusment park with Kayla, and we ran into her ex boyfriend and his aunt. They ended up hanging out with us all day. It was still fun, I mean at least he is cool and pretty funny so it could have been worse. I ate too much at dinner though, I was trying to jusify it because I hadn't eaten all day and we walked alot, but I was full mid way through and I kept eating. I'm trying not to think about it.

Strange Family isn't Always a Bad Thing.

So yesterday I hung out with my cousins and we went to garage sales. We ended up buying three plastic crosses at a Church garage sale because the preacher gave a dollar to buy something. So we  wrote “You Just Got Saved” on them and throwing them into peoples open car windows. It was crazy haha. Then we somehow ended up at the Virgin Mary shrine and took a bunch of photos there.
After that we picked up our younger cousin, whose family is way to harsh on her, and took her bowling. Note: we all suck at bowling! I did end up winning one game, with the high score of 87. I ended up spending the night in town and we played Sardines, which is hide in go seek except one person hides and once you find them you hide with them. The whole day was great.
Elitches is in 3 days, I'm so excited to see Kayla! I really miss her. My weigh in is tomorrow, I was suppose to be down two pounds, I have a feeling I'm only going to be down one which is frusterating but I did eat like crap so I should just be glad I didn't gain.

It's my Birthday

I'm going shopping with my mom, not sure how excited I am about this. Oh well next week I actually get to go with my friends to the amusment park.